Charting My Course (Part 2)

[BL42]

wayfarer,

I'm going to respond to your comments, but want to be mindful of your feelings and stress I don't mean this to be a personal attack on anyone...

However if some one sees the world a little differently. Has a different lifestyle or interests that's not a red flag. That's you being nitpicky. Ask CW what it's like trying to force dating when you have rigid check boxes. Humans aren't a check list and women aren't there to make sure you're fulfilled in every way. Partners are an accessory to a full life, not way to complete a version of yourself you'd like people to see.

I completely agree. It's impossible to ever have 100% perfect checklist of a person - being in a relationship and marriage means merging two lives into one and clearly compromise. You're never going to find someone with exactly the same opinions, hobbies, interests...etc., and quite frankly that may become boring over time. The red flags are the bigger issues that may cause a meaningful risk to the relationship in the future.

But this passive red flag/background red flag stuff is absolutely ridiculous and you guys sound like you're sitting on your supposed moral and family background superiority thrones deigning your presence and willingness to date on poor unfortunate souls like me should we pass your sniff test.

Respectfully, I disagree. A person's background and upbringing is most certainly a legitimate consideration when dating and potentially selecting a lifelong partner. Everyone on the board can reach their own conclusions on it and act accordingly in their post-D dating life, but it's an area I wish I'd given more weight to before marrying ExW and I plan to factor in going forward.

A person isn't their parents. A person isn't their past.

True. However, a person's parents and past have a significant influence and often times more than they admit or even more than they realize. The problem is sometimes its modeled subconsciously and manifests itself despite a person's best intentions. MrBrside's ExW and my ExW are examples - they both recognized their parents' behaviors and swore up and down pre-marriage they never wanted to be them, but when the rubber hit the road and things got tough reverted back to the actions which had been modeled during their formative years. I suspect there are many more of the same examples on this board (though can't list them off-hand).

And I'm sorry if your ex-spouses were but did you ever take the time to consider that maybe they just didn't put in the work to overcome that? Or that they never had the emotional maturity or introspection to recognize the unhealthy or full on toxic behavior of their parents?

Yes, I've spent a good part of the last year and a half pondering it. My ExW had been on ADs and IC since teenage years and promised me she never wanted to do what her mom did, so I had thought she did put in the work - but again reverted back to what she was modeled.

Are you guys psychologists? Or psychic? Do you really have the ability to predict possible behaviors based on a person's history? This big blanket generalization that a person is likely not a suitable mate because they could possible have some issues given their history is histrionic.

No, I'm not a psychologist and of course am not psychic. Certainly there are case in which people overcome an instable upbringing and have successful marriages as well as people who have a stable upbringing and family structure yet end up divorced, but it's a fact that people who come from divorced households are statistically more likely to become divorced themselves than people whose parents are still married. Clearly there's some impact.

Maybe I'm projecting here a little bit, because I have a very messy family history and past, but honestly I don't think I'm taking this as personally as I could.

It feels to me you are projecting a bit. I certainly wasn't meant as a personal attack. I'm sorry if my comments upset you.

Are you such a unicorn of a human being that there is no baggage or bad habits or FOO stuff or past relationship quirks that you aren't dragging along with you?

I am not perfect, and certainly have my baggage and bad habits to address.

Dating in your mid to late 30s, 40s, and 50s is already hard. Pickings are already slim. People are already out there with huge chips on their shoulders and some serious damage and glaringly obvious red flags. Are you really in a position to filter the already dwindling options you have based on your assumptions that things could go wrong because your ex's were damaged and didn't put in the work?

Maybe I'm hurt/biased/overly cautious, but I'm happy enough with myself and my life that I'd rather not marry ever again then go through another divorce.

Is it possible maybe you need to do some work on how you perceive dating and relationships if this is a common practice? Maybe you aren't healed enough to date.

Quite possible. Still have anger at times over the D, and have improvements to make. It's been 1.5yr since BD and I consciously waited until after the D was finalized, but perhaps another 6 months or a year would be better.

One of the biggest issues I see with LBHs on here is they don't come to the same realizations that LBWs have to face over and over and over again. Those realizations being, you can't fall in love with a person's potential if they show you who they are you need to meet them where they're at, and you can't change someone, they can only change themselves.

Interesting. Why do you think that's different between LBHs and LBWs?

Working on your self doesn't stop at D. And it shouldn't.

Agreed!

My WW came from a messed up family and turned into the exact thing she despised and said she would never become.

Same. I've thought back about my conversations with ExW specifically on this topic many times over the last year and a half. Even referenced it in our BD conversation. Didn't matter in the end.

I've probably had 30 dates in the past 2.5 years, and family history and upbringing is a big one for me.

It's going to be for me going forward as well. Others here can come to their own conclusions and act accordingly.

Upbringing and what parents defined as normality has a big impact on what the person you are dating defies as normality. Values and what people see as the norm is defined from a young age..

And my personal experience is that the ones with a poor past carry that around with them or never really understand what a loving healthy enviroment looks like - as they have not experienced it.

You are on the money when you say they didnt put the work in to overcome these issues - but here lies the problem - To these people, this was the normality... Most will never see that there is an issue, as its all they know.

I agree with this strongly.

I had a horrible childhood. I was abused in every way imaginable. I carried that into my 1st MR. And I can say with absolutely certainty in my 1st MR I chose him because his demons were attractive because I was broken. He really like the idea of me being the broken one. And that colored everything that happened after. Hence, no more MR.

I'm sorry you had such a horrible childhood. No one deserves to be abused. That sounds terrible. So glad you were able to recognize how it impacted your 1st MR, and work through your past to improve your future.

I can't stop anyone on here from holding someone's past against them. If that works for you so be it. But I stand by putting the onus of a less than pretty past on a person you don't know well instead of the ex who didn't put in the work is YOUR baggage. That is no fault of some woman you just met no matter how crappy her parents may have been. Just like it wasn't her fault her parents were like that. Your exes failed you, or your picker failed you. Either way holding that against potential mates is on you. Not them. Not their up bringing. Not their past relationships.

I may be biased/jaded due to my sitch, but do believe it's an important consideration, if nothing else more due diligence that a person has put in the work.