In my personal experience people can smell that trauma on you. And there's a very specific type of person who wants to save you, fix you, help you, give you a family or a relationship like you've never had. People like that are a problem of their own.
I had a horrible childhood. I was abused in every way imaginable. I carried that into my 1st MR. And I can say with absolutely certainty in my 1st MR I chose him because his demons were attractive because I was broken. He really like the idea of me being the broken one. And that colored everything that happened after. Hence, no more MR.
My past doesn't define who I am as a wife or mother. My past doesn't define who I am as a friend. It has influenced all of those things. And I've definitely made mistakes and some repeated mistakes because of it. My past, while it did give me some toxic behaviors that I had to work hard to get past, it also gave me deep compassion, it gave me empathy, it gave me true joy because I know how dark it can be, it gave me patience, it gave me perseverance, it gave me coping skills, it gave me introspection, it gave me strength. I'm not the only one.
Yes there is a potential for a person to not realize toxic behavior isn't normal. But there is equally the potential that a person has fought a hard to not only work through that trauma but to put in the work to change their own toxic behavior they picked up from that environment. The only way to suss that out is to actually spend time getting to know them and not immediately writing them off.
I can't stop anyone on here from holding someone's past against them. If that works for you so be it. But I stand by putting the onus of a less than pretty past on a person you don't know well instead of the ex who didn't put in the work is YOUR baggage. That is no fault of some woman you just met no matter how crappy her parents may have been. Just like it wasn't her fault her parents were like that. Your exes failed you, or your picker failed you. Either way holding that against potential mates is on you. Not them. Not their up bringing. Not their past relationships.
