Ok so I was going to quietly ignore this and move on but I can't.
I'll give you that if someone isn't on the same page as you on beliefs, values, future planning, that that is a red flag. However if some one sees the world a little differently. Has a different lifestyle or interests that's not a red flag. That's you being nitpicky. Ask CW what it's like trying to force dating when you have rigid check boxes. Humans aren't a check list and women aren't there to make sure you're fulfilled in every way. Partners are an accessory to a full life, not way to complete a version of yourself you'd like people to see. People are nuanced, and complicated, and flawed. I'll even give you some obvious not so obvious, obvious red flags like any one that calls themselves a nomad, says they dislike children, has no contact with their family, has been divorced more than once, flits from job to job etc. But this passive red flag/background red flag stuff is absolutely ridiculous and you guys sound like you're sitting on your supposed moral and family background superiority thrones deigning your presence and willingness to date on poor unfortunate souls like me should we pass your sniff test.
A person isn't their parents. A person isn't their past. And I'm sorry if your ex-spouses were but did you ever take the time to consider that maybe they just didn't put in the work to overcome that? Or that they never had the emotional maturity or introspection to recognize the unhealthy or full on toxic behavior of their parents? Are you guys psychologists? Or psychic? Do you really have the ability to predict possible behaviors based on a person's history? This big blanket generalization that a person is likely not a suitable mate because they could possible have some issues given their history is histrionic.
Maybe I'm projecting here a little bit, because I have a very messy family history and past, but honestly I don't think I'm taking this as personally as I could. Choosing out of the gate to build a bias on a person's history without a thorough assessment of who they are as a person is a really gross dating habit. Not a safety measure in dating. Like let's be real, as much as we work on ourselves and do what we can to be the people we want to be which in turn makes us desirable mates do you really truly think you would survive the same kind of scrutiny if it was reversed? Are you such a unicorn of a human being that there is no baggage or bad habits or FOO stuff or past relationship quirks that you aren't dragging along with you?
Dating in your mid to late 30s, 40s, and 50s is already hard. Pickings are already slim. People are already out there with huge chips on their shoulders and some serious damage and glaringly obvious red flags. Are you really in a position to filter the already dwindling options you have based on your assumptions that things could go wrong because your ex's were damaged and didn't put in the work? You do realize that makes you the red flag bearer? Is it possible maybe you need to do some work on how you perceive dating and relationships if this is a common practice? Maybe you aren't healed enough to date.
I'd also like to mention that when you saw red flags in the beginning of the relationship and you called them out you likely had the expectation of change. One of the biggest issues I see with LBHs on here is they don't come to the same realizations that LBWs have to face over and over and over again. Those realizations being, you can't fall in love with a person's potential if they show you who they are you need to meet them where they're at, and you can't change someone, they can only change themselves.
If your potential mate is cutting and cruel sometimes or let's say a big flirt, you lay your boundary and then what? They stop for a minute because they don't want to lose you and they revert. That's the typical response. Sometime just sometimes you lay your boundary and they take an assessment of what's there and they realize they would rather stop something toxic than lose you. But even then it doesn't mean they wake up one day and all the things that bothered you are full stop gone. It's a process, it takes time. They may go back to that crappy habit or habits. Maybe in times of stress. Maybe because they've been getting lazy with the work or the focus. Maybe because of other underlying issues in the relationship. They may catch themselves. Sometimes you may have to call them out. The thing is though if they are always working on it, and they are doing so because they know it harms the relationship that is literally the best you can ask for. If you don't think that's good enough, that expectation is on you. People don't change because you want them to. People don't change because you need them too. People don't change to suit you or your needs. People change because they want to. Every single one of us needs to ask ourselves how much of our MR failing was ignoring red flags and how much of it was us willing our spouse to change into the person we wanted them to be but they didn't?
I'm not trying to be cruel. And I know this came out harsh, but I have friends out there trying to post divorce date and it's a sh!tshow. And when I see stuff like this it just makes it so clear why. Working on your self doesn't stop at D. And it shouldn't.
***Michka I'm going to address your children of divorce question on your thread.
