5 years pieced & COVID SIP has silver linings

[may22]

Hi Blu,

So good to hear from you and glad things are going so well. I had a question for you-- I think I recall that your H had some pretty major nice-guy tendencies and working through that was a big thing for him and for your M-- do I recall that correctly? Is that not an issue at all anymore or still something you guys need to talk about and keep an eye on?

I'm doing well. We had an incredible trip (and I had a couple of weeks on my own at home, as I couldn't take off enough time for the whole trip with my new job, which was also quite lovely and relaxing). I flew to meet H and the kids in my hometown for the end of the trip, which coincided with my parents' 50th anniversary and I saw my brothers and parents for the first time in person since this whole pandemic started. My H ended up having to fly to his hometown to help out his parents as his mom had to have emergency surgery and his dad wasn't going to be capable of caring for her on his own when she came back from the hospital. Girls and I flew home and we're all back and school and work. H comes back this week.

I am less angry though it does still crop up some. When we were on the trip, something that DnJ talks about-- relying on your beliefs-- finally made sense to me. I'd been turning it over and over and hadn't really been able to figure it out in practice, though it made sense philosophically. All of a sudden it hit me-- what do I believe in? I believe in love, in the ability of people to change and grow, and in forgiveness. But I wasn't really living that out in my R with my H-- I had been still holding onto anger, diving back into it almost as a weird safety blanket when I started to feel too comfortable. Like my anger hadn't been fully assuaged and so I needed to check back in there so it wouldn't go away until I was ready. When I made that shift to realize that wasn't who I was at heart, or at least who I wanted to be, and it suddenly all felt so much better. Like I could finally take him at face value when he says ILY or I'm so happy we're doing this and be happy back, not having that suspicious troll in the back of my head say REALLY??? Anyway, we still have a long ways to go, I think, but that did feel like a pretty major shift for me. It hasn't been totally consistent, but I do feel like I'm moving forward.

I love my job, it is the most fulfilling thing I've ever done. Both girls are amazing. I'm starting to have these little pangs of this won't last forever, they won't always want to hold my hand and slip into my bed to snuggle in the mornings and call me Mommy... so trying to just squeeze every drop out of every moment with them.

I might start a new thread over on piecing and stop hijacking yours We will see.

Thanks for checking in here. Your endless compassion and wisdom just shine through in every post you write. I will always be incredibly grateful to you for how you helped me through such difficult times here-- I really don't know what I would have done without you.

xx May