Still putting one foot in front of the other...

[may22]

Hi E,

I just had a couple of thoughts I wanted to share. First, Wayfarer is my hero but I am not in her league in terms of zen ability, so from my perspective yes, of course aspire to let it go and get beyond BUT it is also absolutely okay to be angry. Be as angry as you want to be! I shoved that anger down for a loooooong time and then it was almost overwhelming to me when it finally erupted. And it still isn't gone. It is totally natural to be angry in your situation. What your H did is unfair and wrong and the idea of that bItch eating her GD crackers while playing house with your H and kids.... of course it hurts and is infuriating at the same time. I'd be furious too. Don't apologize or feel badly that you aren't over your anger yet. It has its time and then you can let it go once it has done its part for you. I don't know how easy it is to find old threads, but AlisonUK who was posting here a lot a couple of years ago talked a lot about how she finally saw her anger as a protective force for her, it helped her see more clearly, helped her set appropriate boundaries, and she stopped feeling guilty about being mad.

I got a punching bag (cheap one on Amazon) and punched the cr@p out of it for a few months. it was great. I might recommend channeling your anger into something like that, or writing a letter that you won't send, or any of a million other things you can do to let yourself be angry, but get it out and then be able to focus your attention elsewhere, ideally on something positive for you.

I also want to say I understand exactly what you mean about losing your faith in your own gut and your own decision making. Being lied to, gaslit, and betrayed will do that. I was talking to a good friend the other day, my only friend IRL who knows about the A, who also was cheated on (her H left her for the OW, he was really horrible). She said she still struggles with this to some degree but it gets better. She has learned to identify when it is the fear and uncertainty speaking and to just wait that through until they subside and she can better focus on her own intuition and logic. I don't know how long this process takes or if you can speed it up. I struggle with this too. But you have been so incredibly strong through all of this and I know you'll emerge even stronger and happier on the other side.

xoxo May