Out of the bottle

[BL42]

I guess one month to remove her stuff is reasonable. I was thinking more like two weeks!

Nothing wrong with two weeks. It's even stronger. CWarrior was probably just saying to pick a date and be firm.

I suppose I do need to make an appointment to see a lawyer.

Yes. Call one Monday. Or maybe two or three (if they give free consultations). It's important to know your rights so you can start acting accordingly, even if it ultimately does not come to D.

BL42: Yep... I guess I do need to toughen up a bit

Toughen up, yes, but maybe a better way to say it is act out of strength. It took me awhile to understand this. At first I acted scared and weak, but the stronger I got the more it helped my mental state.

No, I'm convinced there is no other person.

Famous last words...

I've read so much on here and other forums that it is normal to delude ourselves, and who knows, maybe I am. However, my gut tells me she is just in a really dark place right now, not just with her marriage, but also trying to come to terms with her dysfunctional family.

Definitely likely she's in a dark place / modeled behavior is kicking in if she had a dysfunctional family, but that and an affair aren't mutually exclusive. Maybe not, and I'm not as experienced on this board as others, but it does seem an overwhelming majority of sitches have another party involved...even if the LBS did not believe it to be the case initially.

W became friendly with a mother of one of the kids at school who had just split from her husband. For a few weeks before she left they texted each other a lot

There's smoke. Perhaps not fire, but definitely smoke...

I really do put it down to this mother showing W that it IS possible to leave a marriage and giving her the courage to do that. EA affair? I really don't think so; just two very bitter women venting with each other. Fair enough.

Could be. Doesn't necessarily mean affair, maybe they were commiserating and talking separation / divorce, but don't dismiss it either.

It would be easier, I think, if there was another person and this was ultimately her reason to leave. I would be able to stop the compassion I'm feeling right now.

Not sure about that, having been through the other way myself, but doesn't change anything regardless.

I'm expecting W to contact me tomorrow to tell me she has just paid for the new apartment. Yes, out of our joint account, but I have already said I will try to make it easy on her

Ultimately your decision, but I would not recommend paying for her to leave you. Not only is it weak and your marriage is better off not taking away the consequences of leaving, but you may regret giving away money in the long run. It's a business negotiation now. She's not looking after you - don't give away your money to someone leaving you.

Last night I took down all the photos of us on the walls and took off my wedding ring. Wow - just typing that has made tears run down my face. After being so strong and acting/being happy, I'm really hurting today. It's only been six weeks...

That's tough. I went through that as well. Therapeutic in a way though...

You are off to a good start. It is very long, difficult and painful journey.

I agree w/BluWave here. You are off to a good start. Stopping drinking, exercising keep all those self improvements up!

I see you taking a lot of ownership of where you went wrong. That is so important because we can only control and change one person -- our self. Conversely, it is easy to think that it is all our fault and want to dive right in and fix our problems and try to be perfect. That is not possible. It took a long time for the relationship to deteriorate and it was not one persons doing. It is complicated.

This is what I was alluding to in my last post...certainly identify areas you could have done better and work on them for the future, but at the same time don't let her put the entire weight of the marriage onto you. Her guilt over this is likely leading her to blame you for every little item as a justification for her actions. Neither of you are perfect, but she's the one leaving and refusing to work on the marriage. In one of the few marriage counseling sessions we had my wife brought up the silliest reasons for the affair / D like we disagreed on the plates we registered for 7 years ago and I didn't put the garbage bags on the garage can correctly. Not something to break up a family over. Point is...if you had a drinking problem definitely address it, but also don't put 100% of the burden on yourself. Neither of you are perfect.

Also, based on reading 100s maybe 1000 stories, there is usually a third party involved and some type of affair. Some know about it and find out early. Some do not believe it and are completely shocked. But in most of these sitches, esp when your partner leaves rather abruptly, there is someone else involved. People do not pick up and quickly leave us to get away from us, they leave to be with someone else. I want to caution you to protect yourself as I see a lot of self blame in your writings. Also, her sadness could be more due to some type of guilt rather than losing her relationship with you. I am sorry if that stings. I know that sting myself.

I think what BluWave & I are saying...is just prepare yourself for the possibility there's someone else involved. It's not as unlikely as you believe right now.

I know you have to see her at work, but it is best to stay FAR away. A brief head nod or smile and then walk away. She needs to see that you are letting go and moving on.

Yep! And the sooner the better. Don't let her ease out of it; let her feel the consequences.

Also, I know you want to help her financially, but please be careful. Protect yourself and your assets right now. Are you doing this out of guilt? A hope she will see you as caring and come back? Or is it legally required? What if you knew for certain there was an A and that is why she is leaving you?.... I think it is a good idea to look at finances separately from emotions. She has picked up and left you and it is reasonable not to help someone do that to you. Do you see how this looks to an outsider?

Agreed. Be strong. Start protecting yourself financially. Don't help her out just to be nice and especially with the hope of getting her back.