I am trying to catch up a bit. What a mess. Ugh. I am so sorry. Again, Wayfarer spits more genius. I don't claim to have any great advice, I just wanted to say hello to you and validate your frustrations and feelings. What a friggin jerk!
I am not going to say that you are bitter or scorned by his A, but I can tell you that I absolutely was! For a long time. And even after my H dumped X-OW, I remained that way to some extent for years. And it didn't just turn off one day and I didn't have this ability to rise above it, even though I felt as if I should. It was serious trauma and even with all the work, therapy and self care, it still just needed time. So I do not see you as whining and I completely empathize with how hurt and angry you feel. It is completely unfair. That is the part that you cannot change and that makes us feel so, so powerless. Some people here try and compare their sitches and give advice, but being left by your spouse for another person -- I mean full blown A, they pick up and leave you and go off with that person -- is a trauma far greater than many can ever know!
Also, I think the trauma is not only from the betrayal of being left for OW. I see you questioning everything that you thought you knew about your life and yourself. When our entire life is turned upside down and taken away from us, it changes everything and we question what we thought we ever knew. And what we thought we knew about ourselves and our identity. Again, not just some EAs and marital rift. It is TRAUMA. But, the good news is, this is the part (perception of reality) you can change. As you begin to heal, you can continue to change the way you see your history, relationships and what happened. Over time, you may actually feel better about how you see things. Why? Because you are not still with a person that would do this and traumatize you. He also has a history of failed Ms now and that speaks volumes to his character. You might not be there yet and that is okay, but you will some day. Have you read DejaVu's story from the beginning?
I have done a lot of this healing over the years and in some way I am grateful for it. I will never say that I am glad my H had an A and left me OW! I will say, I am glad that things finally exploded and we were forced to pick up all the pieces. It has taken me many years to be able to see that things were not healthy in our M and it was not working. Sometimes when you step out of something you begin to see it more clearly. Because of the work I have done in the last several years, I have learned to like (and love) myself so much more now. I don't like who I was in that M before. I also don't like who he was -- a troubled person that would do that to his W and family.
One might think this is easier for me to say from where I sit, having had my H come back. I am not sure if that is true. Maybe. I had to swallow my pride and be the woman that took back a cheating POS. That was not easy. I also had to heal my own trauma while simultaneously put back together a broken M. It took many, many years. But the thing is, my H was willing to suck up his own ego and do that hard work. You don't want a guy that isn't willing. He will most likely F-up this next R with this OW also. Give it a few years. And what a role model for his two sons (shakes head). I pity these kind of people now.
I think it is wonderful that you are maintaining a nice R with your step Ss. My step-dad was an incredible man and while he died young, I will never forget how wonderful he was. He played a different role in my life, but one that was just as valuable as my own (chaotic) mom and dad. He was the one that was calm, available and easiest to confide in. Continue to nurture those relationships because those two young men know their truth.
I guess overall what I am saying is it is perfectly okay with me to be p1ssed off for as long as you need to. For some of us the healing takes a long time to begin. But I do believe in time, you can really gain something incredible from this. You can grow into a better person as you heal your own traumas and reflect on what happened with a new lens. As you begin to recover, you will naturally attract more quality people and Rs into your life. That will be another silver lining to come.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
