First of all, you are not whining, you are processing and the purpose of this forum is to let it all out. What you think, how you feel, so please don't apologize for that.
You are someone who kept yourself incredibly strong the first months after BD, I still remember that very well. I was always amazed of how you could still be so positive about everyhting. I surely couldn't do that in the beginning.
But frankly, there is no person who can keep this up. You are simply somebody who was knocked down by it later than others.
And that's okay, be mad at him, at what he's done to you, what he's doing to his children.
Wayfarer and SteveLW have also had this period for sure, and they want to help by leading you in the right direction, but you are not ready for that yet. Their advice though is absolutely correct and step by step you will get there. (but in the meantime you'll still get knocked down 100 times...)
Believe me, you'll find it. It took me two years to get there but I managed, you will get there as well. With lot's of love and support from all of us xxx
