Still putting one foot in front of the other...

[Elbereth]

Hi all...this is why I love this site. So much care and empathy when you need it and also the smack of a 2x4 when you need that too.

Eagle3,

We have had the boys half time (other half is spent with bio-mom). Of course, the oldest has been away part of the time when at college and the younger one is starting that as well now. I do have a room for them to 'come home to' with me if they want to stay with me instead of their moms when they are visiting. At least for now I do, not sure what will be my next place (small apartment or what). As our youngest was still at home and a senior, I did all I could to ensure that his last year of HS and last summer before college was not disrupted by the relationship collapse of us. While dad just did his own thing...

As for the reference of my STBXH's place being temporary, it is. He's not sure of his next landing place (although it will still be in the other state due to his job). So the older son is spending some time at his dads this week, but is trying to decide where we wants to stay for the next few months. He's thinking of learning a trade, so might move where that training is taking place.

My mentioning it was more about how meeting the affair partner so soon affects the kids mentally, more than about my feelings of him visiting there. I read all the time how emotionally damaging it can be. And, through the whole process of our separation, etc, it has been me who is the one worried about the boys having a place outside of their mothers. I also was worried about how all the disruption would impact our younger son...it's already been a hard couple of years for him as a teen with the pandemic.


SteveLW,

I had to laugh when I read your post (as in I've been having thoughts about their R). It's true, this IS the story I was told. Unfortunately, she has been hostile towards me (us) since the day I was serious with H. If you read back there was major drama there and she caused a lot of stress, drama and court costs in our relationship. BUT. As I have come to identify behaviors that have traumatized me from the last few years, and thought back to incidents in our own relationship...I am NOW QUESTIONING everything about what I thought I knew. He certainly could have cheated on her...or he certainly could have emotionally traumatized her as well and she sought comfort in an AP. I do know there was an AP and she has been on and off with him since...but I have no way of knowing the truth. He certainly didn't support her when her health was bad, so that is similar. But the story I know is the same story he told everyone. Including his family and friends. Regardless, you are right. I really don't know.


Wow Wayfarer...you knocked me hard with that 2x4, but I DO appreciate it. Who else is going to call me out on my whining?

The last thing I'm going to say about this, and please understand that this is coming from the place of being a stepmom and a stepchild, why does any of this matter? You have no control over how the boys view you, or the real reason for the divorce. You have no control over how this will affect their relationships in the future. You have no control over if the boys will ever really want to know your side of things. You did what you can do. Remain open to them and their questions. That's it. That's all there is for you to do here. So ask yourself, why you're so concerned about something completely out of your control when you know you've done everything in your power?

I guess for me, I always felt (based on what I knew) that H and I had a generally 'normal' relationship and how that was a guiding light to our boys away from CRAZY. I have read how no matter how dysfunctional a parent is, the contrast between the 'sane' or more 'normal' parent and the dysfunctional one would help make the differences obvious and the kids would be drawn to the 'more sane or normal' behaviors instead of inheriting the dysfunctional ones (by not knowing any better). So, for ten years I've been doing my best to be the best bonus parent I could be and worrying about these things (along with H as well). Their bio-mom is not emotionally stable and a bit crazy (their words not just mine). And they haven't always wanted to stay with her. And now, look, H is dysfunctional too. So I guess it's just hard for me to turn that off. Like, yeah, maybe it's not appropriate that I feel like it's my responsibility. But I do. They are the only kids I will ever have and I love them fiercely. What I can and cannot control with that relationship has always been so hard for me. So this is where a lot of that frustration, anger, need, etc, is coming from. And yeah, I was a step-kid too. And I have a bigger connection with my step-dad then my bio one. So yeah, it is true I really have no decision-making control over what will actually happen, but I guess I am still trying to dance around and do things to help or influence a better outcome for them.

He under no circumstances was ever going to do things they way you want or expect. Having expectations for a stbx especially one functioning in emotional crisis, whatever that crisis may be, sets you both up for failure. I've given this same advice a million times. When you have expectations for people when they are like this they are guaranteed to fail and you are guaranteed to be hurt, disappointed or angry. Don't do that to yourself. Having expectations for them serves you in no way. Drop your expectations to the floor and save yourself the angst.

You're pissed at stbxh and here we are. Going forward you may need to sit with these thoughts and ask yourself if all these negative feelings and worries are really worth the time and energy you're spending on them.

Bam Bam 2x4 again...

Yes, I'm whining. Yes, I am still processing it all and I am obviously angry. I really have hit a low point of exhaustion. I am tired of having to carry the load for others. I feel taken advantage of by my previous H and my current one. I'm angry and sick of it. And I have been taking a PTSD/betrayal trauma course and I am realizing the mind games that have been played on me. So I think the new insights into my skewed past reality, and also the level of mental and physical exhaustion I am under, is throwing me back into an angry and depressed state. Yes, I obviously was not successful in enforcing my boundaries (I need growth there for sure) and yeah, you let people treat you the they treat you, etc. But I am realizing that many patterns of emotional abuse has occurred in this relationship of which I was not truly aware. I've been carrying the load because of the emotional games played on me and the skewed reality I was trying to function in. The blinders are off now. And yea, I am struggling to manage the overwhelming feelings of "how did I let all this happen and why didn't I see it for what it was"? I saw myself as an extremely smart and logical person. How was I so completely duped?

I hope I don't seem to harsh. I really do understand what you're going through. I just know you do have control here, but you're just trying to control all the wrong things. You can only control yourself, your actions, and reactions. Focus on you. It's way past the time for you to seriously center this on you. You're mental health, physical health, financial health, and moving forward are the only things that matter right now.

I am trying...truly I am. I am proud of how far I have come. I'm doing as much as I can to work through and process all of this and move forward. But I guess the realization that much of the way I was treated in this relationship was truly emotionally abusive has set me back a bit. I'm sort of questioning my whole reality and where I am really at emotionally. What from my past can I trust? Can I even trust my own decision making? My head says logical things, but the dreams, the tension in my body, the anxiety, etc. isn't in sync. I want to run away this time and I am angry that I can't because H is the only other person who can take care of this last push on house stuff and he's not doing it. So yes, I'm angry and doing it anyway, even though yes, I knew this would happen...or better yet, that it wouldn't happen the way I wanted/needed it too.

As for the OW...I honestly do not feel anything towards her other than some pity. I mean, she has no idea of what she has gotten herself into. I've stopped looking at her accounts and honestly never really feel anything about her. This didn't happen because of her. She is nothing to me. My feelings and anger are all aimed at STBXH and for concern for our/my kids metal state as a result of H's behavior.

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm just whining some more. I really am trying. I have overwhelming feelings right now of just quitting my job and taking a six-month sabbatical. That's the level of drowning I feel right now. I am QUESTIONING everything about what I thought I knew. I am usually not a 'runner'...and I won't kill myself...but I certainly just want this all to go away. I know that I am not the only one on this forum who feels that way...

Thank you for listening, and for pushing me in the right direction and pointing out what is not worth doing, but also empathizing with me while I am stuck for the moment. I am trying to work my way back up to being strong, positive and sure of myself.

xo,
El