I just have a few things to touch on. So you can take what I have to say with a grain of salt, but I'm feeling like this is very much a "look at that b!tch over there eating her crackers" kind of update/journal. So there's this meme out in the world where it says something to the effect of:
When you can't stand someone: Look at that bitch over there eating her crackers
With a picture of a person watching another person just sitting there eating lunch not bothering any one or doing anything.
So if you've read through a lot of the stuff on here LBSs go through the stages of grief. We often cycle through them more than once. Some times we move on to a stage and then go through another one all over again. Some times we oscillate there back and forth for a while. A lot of this stuff is your anger talking. It's not logical. Not much of this is something to waste your energy on being angry about. But you're angry. You're pissed at stbxh and here we are. Going forward you may need to sit with these thoughts and ask yourself if all these negative feelings and worries are really worth the time and energy you're spending on them.
That being said:
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I have no real idea of what he said to the boys. When I took my time to talk to them about it, all I could do was stress my side of the story (that I love them and plan to go nowhere and that I didn't want this or know about the AP until just before they were told). I believe he also had our younger son stay with 'them' when he was staying in a local AirBnB and I suspect that she was there as well...I really don't know what affect it is having on the boys. They love me, but I have never felt they confide in me like they do their bio parents. So, I'm worried a bit what impact his behavior will have on them and how they view relationships. Especially because they also are aware of their mother's infidelity and that it was why their father divorced her.
First I'm 100% on board with Steve. There are 3 sides to every story, especially in these kind of things. His story, her story, and the truth. The truth devoid of bias and perception usually lies in the middle. Did you ever take the time to get to know stbxh's exW? Did you ever get her side of the story?
Let's just put it this way. My exH thought I was the devil and that I existed to make his life miserable. It took me years of being out of the situation to fully understand my part in our toxicity. Was he toxic? Yes. Was I? Big fat YES. But according to him I was, am and always will be the problem. The ex-gf of his that I adored took the time to get to know me. Took the time to find the truth. She was blessing, and never deserved what my ex did to her.
My current H's ex is also a sh!tshow of blame. She tells anyone who will listen that my H abandoned her. My H stands by the fact that he gave her multiple opportunities to get it together until he come home from work for the thousandth time to find his baby mama out on the town and the little one by my H's mother's house. No job. No cleaning. No cooking. And his mother and grandmother were always taking care of the little one. He threw all her crap on the lawn changed the locks and filed placement and custody paperwork. He got 50/50 and had to pay his ex child support out of the gate because she was already 4 and obviously his income was higher you know compared to 0. They have been contentious since. They put my stepD in the middle. Only in the last year has my H finally understood that playing that game will not win his daughter over. That he has to let his ex do the emotional manipulating that she's going to do and just hope when his D is old enough she'll understand.
The last thing I'm going to say about this, and please understand that this is coming from the place of being a stepmom and a stepchild, why does any of this matter? You have no control over how the boys view you, or the real reason for the divorce. You have no control over how this will affect their relationships in the future. You have no control over if the boys will ever really want to know your side of things. You did what you can do. Remain open to them and their questions. That's it. That's all there is for you to do here. So ask yourself, why you're so concerned about something completely out of your control when you know you've done everything in your power?
Originally Posted by Elbereth
We are not even divorced and he's with his other woman
Ok El, I get this hurts, and looks terrible, but once again, does this matter in the long run? You knew what was up. You knew this was a very big likelihood. Are you truly surprised or are you just stewing because you're already mad? Is being mad about this serving you in any way?
Originally Posted by Elbereth
Should I push to move things along? Is it bad to give your proposal first? Especially knowing that my lawyer wants to do discovery as H has already taken and hidden assets?
If you want this done there's a good chance you'll have to be the one making moves. But if your attorney is waiting on discovery there isn't much you can do. I would ask how long they plan on waiting for discovery before they file a motion with the court where the court will demand discover from stbxh. Typical discovery demands go out with much court intervention. They really just get a filing. But if it's become and issue the court will order the discovery be turned over and with a deadline. I think you may need to discuss in a little more depth what the plan is here going forward.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
The other thing that really bugs me is that STBXH is not coming back to down to finalize moving the rest of the stuff (mostly his) to our storage unit before the house goes on the market. Instead, he's sending our oldest to do it with hired help. I feel like he's just abandoned everything and left the burden on me and our son. He also pulled in our youngest son to do a lot during his final summer before college. Really so thoughtless.
I mean this in the kindest terms possible, why does this matter? He's getting it done. There are so many LBS who have there stbx's showing up and picking up a little here or there. Or not coming at all assuming the LBS will pack the whole house and they just get the stuff right before the closing date on the sale or the lease is up. Do you really want to deal with your stbxh more than you have to? Wouldn't you rather see the kiddo anyway? Your H isn't handling things in the best way. He is dumping his burden on other people. But once again, my dear, you know what's up. You know what you're dealing with. So is it the grown toddler you're dealing with's fault that your angry and frustrated now or is it a little on you for placing your expectations on him?
Even if stbxh was in a normal state of mind and the marriage was just kind of over and you could go forward letting bygones be bygones he was still not going to do things the way you wanted him to, because that's not how humans work. And you're not working with a reasonable person who just fell out of love and wants to move on. You're working with an unreasonable person who IMO has always been kind of unreasonable. He under no circumstances was ever going to do things they way you want or expect. Having expectations for a stbx especially one functioning in emotional crisis, whatever that crisis may be, sets you both up for failure. I've given this same advice a million times. When you have expectations for people when they are like this they are guaranteed to fail and you are guaranteed to be hurt, disappointed or angry. Don't do that to yourself. Having expectations for them serves you in no way. Drop your expectations to the floor and save yourself the angst.
I hope I don't seem to harsh. I really do understand what you're going through. I just know you do have control here, but you're just trying to control all the wrong things. You can only control yourself, your actions, and reactions. Focus on you. It's way past the time for you to seriously center this on you. You're mental health, physical health, financial health, and moving forward are the only things that matter right now.
