"It's tough to stay cool when someone blows up at you, and I often feel a need to defend myself, but I know it's not necessary. This is a good 180 for me, in general, to just pick my battles and not need to win or be right all the time." ___________________________________
Staying cool when someone is unleashing their emotional storm on you is the ultimate display of strength. This is true in a MR or any other R, including work Rs, etc. In an even broader sense, staying cool in any stormy, stressful situation, is the ultimate display of strength. Emotional strength, composure, mental toughness, control. This is true strength.
There is almost never a need to defend yourself other than physically. Verbal defense equates to defensiveness and this is getting into what should not be done which is arguing. No arguing. Why is there not a need to defend yourself? Because your W cannot hurt you. She does not have that power unless you give it to her, and you should not. She is not a threat, and if not then there is nothing to defend against. And as a corollary, there is no need to pick battles as there are no battles. Again, battles sound like arguing.
Also when I wrote don't be a victim I just want to be clear that I was not suggesting that you have been playing the victim card, I was just making a general point so with that said my hope is you did not take that comment as a personal critique. The big point of the victim reference in terms of not being one is I believe there is great value in the post-BD struggle to take responsibility and might i go so far as to say focus only on your responsibility, even if just as a mental exercise. AKA "Hey I married her, it was my choice, no gun to the head, i saw the red flags, I should have known better, I did xyz wrong in the R, etc etc" Take ownership, there is alot of power in ownership. Again Mako this point is not a specific comment to you aka "Mako is ducking responsibility", but as a general thought as I ramble here.
