Rope dropping and grey rocks

[Elbereth]

Hi Hope,

I caught up on your sitch and I am struggling with some similar issues and feelings. So far things have been friendly with my STBXH, but I am also trying to pull away. He also acts so normal, cracking jokes, wanting to discuss work or other things....just things that feel normal but without deeper intimacy. Like friends. We are still communicating about moving and the house selling so it feels right to keep up the flow until this period passes, but your sitch has me wondering what it will be like when I push harder to have no contact. I have also felt it’s easier for the kids. Especially as I’m the step-parent. Seeing your strength is inspiring! And I’m excited that you have such a forward outlook for yourself and in regards to making your home purchase!

Your struggle and feelings are totally understandable. And the fact that some of the M reminders do not throw you for a loop shows you are making great progress in letting go. But the stomach issues cause me to wonder if there is still work to be done and your body is still is fight/flee/freeze mode. I’ve been looking into trauma and how the mind and body can be in totally different places (mind is ready to move forward but body isn’t in sync). There is an interesting article in the NYTimes today about trauma that discusses some of that.

As for the statement about the betrayer ever working on themselves, I agree with the others. Most blame us (LBS) and are in complete denial they have anything to work on. Plus, it’s easy to run. Sad but true. But running eventually leads nowhere, but by then maybe they won’t care. My H is running. And he had the whole nice family guy thing going, and couldn’t face people so he changed his number, moved to another state, and changed jobs. I’m actually considering another town to get away from all the familiar memories...but also want to remain a home for the kids. I get that decision struggle.

Anyway, hope your health improves as your journey moves forward (that your body catches up)! You find your dream home, and the partnership works well. All exciting stuff to work towards!

El