Still putting one foot in front of the other...

[Elbereth]

Hello Friends,

Just a little update on my situation. I was able to go out of town for a week and just relax and do self care. It was wonderful, but it did take me half of the time to get to a true relaxed state. I really know I could have used more time. So I am exploring retreats or other options to unwind and focus on me and my own growth.

The younger guy that has shown interest is still sending vibes my way. He did mention that he saw an ex-girlfriend recently, so that means he isn't gay (or at least he's bi). I enjoy the conversations, etc, but still feel no interest in anything further.

The home is almost complete in the remodeling effort and will very soon end up on the market. It's bittersweet to see it in the state that I always knew it could be and sad that I won't live in it to enjoy it. But hopefully we make a decent profit and that makes some of the pain worth it.

I was really feeling stuck emotionally and even though I am ready to move on from my M, I still keep having trouble sleeping, keep rehashing events or convos in my mind, and keep feeling a level of anxiety about my future and about trusting people in general (male and female). One of my instagram pals posted something about betrayal PTSD and in reviewing this subject, I feel strongly that I don't just have PTSD over his betrayal, but I also have PTSD in the way the last few years have been. It's as if the lying and cheating wasn't abusive enough, but he was also verbally and emotionally abusive to the point that it affected my mental and physical health. He watched me trusting him, owning my own sh*t, and trying to meet his needs, adjust to his roller-coaster of emotional states (walking on glass), taking on more of the burden's of family, all while he may have been having his affair that whole time. And all while my health was failing. I really struggle to know if he was always this person or if he snapped or what. No one understands what has happened to him or why he's doing what he is doing. Does it take someone who has narcissistic tendencies to go this far off the rails in MLC? But in speaking with older friends, it's been pointed out that his XW also didn't seem to do well with him and that he wasn't there for her when she had post-partum depression, and she also is crazy now (but wasn't before the children). I now wonder, did his treatment of her make her snap? Did she experience similar behaviors from him in their M? I certainly feel like I came close to collapsing, but I am a very strong person...so I think I can handle more than the average person...

Anyway, this is where my head has been at. I am exploring some courses in PTSD for sexual betrayal and I think I want to do a retreat that focuses on PTSD or other issues like codependency and boundaries. I know I will get through this, but I feel stuck and need to shift into some other areas of exploration. I know I will need a lot of time and therapy to heal from this experience.

I will try to do some catching up on your sitch's now that I am back home. I had tried to get online several times, but it just hanged and I couldn't get in. Things seem to be working better today as it was quick to log me in. I hope you all are hanging in there and enjoying the last of summer.

xo
El