Well its been a week and half or so since I found out the extent of his lies and the fact he has been actively involved in an affair for close to a year. I am sure there is more to everything but I don't want to know anymore then I do.
I wanted to really channel my energy and emotion into myself and my boys. The first thing I did was ban H from coming at night, the boys need to get used to me only putting them to sleep so we have been working on that and I am happy to say we have made real progress in a short time. S8 is still having issues but we have managed to get him back into his own bed and spending most of the night in his bed as well. S6 was my lazy one but has surprised me with his willingness to step up and has been doing really well with his chores etc. S2 is just being his usual cute self and I hope he stays that way.
S8 and S6 keep asking me questions about the current state of affairs with H and I have been honest with them in an age appropriate way. S6 is more accepting of it than S8. S8 is actively pursuing his dad to reconcile with me ( I can hear him when they face time) but I have decided to stay out of that conversation. Its between them two.
I have been just trying to focus on having a routine that works for us, especially since we are in lockdown and will be until the end of sept. Its hard doing this with three kids. Since BD any schedule we put in place has always fallen apart because of him so I am just taking the reins and doing it all myself. Its hard not to feel resentful when the kids call him and he is still in bed or tells them he has to go because he needs to go for his run, have a shower whatever. I just try to focus on the fact that I get more time with my kids. I didnt have kids to only have them half the week and when/if that time comes I can see that will be a hurdle for me.
I had a dream last night that I was being held by someone, I could never see their face in the dream but it was someone who loved me that was all i know. It sucked waking up because I felt so lonely. Waking up alone is not something I signed up for either, but i took a deep breathe and forced myself to shake it off.
Its my birthday today, I treated myself to some new clothes, and I am looking forward to a new week. I keep treating it as a challenge. I want to take it week by week, our current state with lockdown makes it hard to do anymore than that. I am feeling both overwhelmed and empowered by this. We are doing well and we are doing well because of me.
