My Story P2...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

I’m glad you and the boys enjoyed your vacation. Kids thinking it was the best holiday in years is great. They must have had a really good time.

I understand the boys are not having the time of their lives at Dad’s. MLCers lose the plot and usually end up pretty deplorable parents.

I suppose the best advice I can give them is that they should react to him if things are not going well, honestly say they would rather not stay with him this way.

I am guessing the boys are still in contact with you, texting you every now and then while with Dad. Unfortunately advice and guidance is difficult to impart to the kids while they are elsewhere. It’s two fold, the medium of texting is not the greatest for that and the boys are living within the very situation that is stirring up their emotions.

I’d not suggest a solution, rather see what the boys are feeling and thinking they should do. Empathize with them and gently steer their ideas towards fruition if worthwhile.

I think it's terrible for them, but in the meantime I know from experience that I can't change this situation, that they have to do this themselves now as they are old enough.

That’s the main idea here. It’s not your job to facilitate or moderate the relationship between Dad and child. It’s your job not to destroy it from your actions.

Of course, if their situation is dangerous, violent, or some such, then for sure step in. Presently, the time with Dad is not at that point and is very unlikely to devolve into that. Some MLCers get pretty heavily into drinking and drugs and young kids would not be safe or well cared for around someone in that condition. Your boys are older and well do fine, although they may be a bit bored.

Once back home, you can further encouraging ideas of standing up for themselves. At 14 and 17 it won’t take much encouragement from my experience. Adolescents usually stand up and rebel against their parents just because. Lol.

As best you can remain out of the situation regarding their time at Dad’s. Any advice you give puts you in the middle of things. And guaranteed no matter how noble or well intentioned your advice, something will go wrong (remember H is in crisis of course something will go wrong that’s why the kids are bored and not happy) and you we get blamed. Let the responsibility of this lay on H’s shoulders, do not take it from him. And by the way, it also lets the boys accept their role in this as well.

…my boundary is that he can't stay in the house if he has an OW but I have no proof. Should I be silent about this then?

You are keeping yourself unable to decide because of “lack of proof”. You are justifying this indecision to yourself. BTW, that’s the part after the word “but”, the bit we use to talk ourselves in to or out of something.

The reason he stays over is because a party is planned for my S17's birthday in early September, with family and friends. I want this to go really smoothly and well for S, after all he has already been through enough. For this reason, I don't really want to confront him with the question if he has an OW again, but still I can’t stop thinking about it.

Again further muddy and coupling of ideas and things that need not be tied together. Let’s unravel it a bit shall we.

S17’s birthday can go smoothly and well, regardless if H stays over or not. H can stay at a hotel and come over for the day. Dad, family, and friends will all be present for the day and leave at the end.

Yes, S17 has been through at lot. I’m pretty sure he can handle not having Dad sleep over. That’s the normal situation every other day. I would suspect having Dad under the same roof would actually ramp up S17’s stress.

The birthday will go fine, plan accordingly. Do not tie H and his behaviour into it. Now with the birthday party taken care of, let’s look at H and your boundary.

H cannot stay at the house if he has an OW. In my view and opinion you are trying to find the wiggle room to have H stay over. You are fearful of asking because H actually might have an OW. Hence, the reason why you can’t wont stop thinking about it. (Let go the fear and focus on you.)

I would further suspect you’d like H to be over. The evening together during the vacation went well and you’d like to repeat that. People in crisis are masters of manipulation. They twist and turn situation to their benefit. That’s all well and good until you get in their way and they will run you over. Remember these folks are driven to their irrational behaviour from deep relentless internal pressures.

I don't understand it, he is so aware now of his situation, knows he is the way he is because of his past trauma's and because of the loss his biggest purpose in life (his former job), works on it, sees a counselor, reads related books, but still this behavior towards his children...

Yes, it is confusing and that’s from the outside, just imagine being the person with all that going on inside your head.

Anyhow, back to the business at hand. Boundaries are placed to stop disrespectful behaviour towards you. I agree if H is playing house with someone else he should not play house at your home.

Do you need to know if he has an OW? Do you need to ask? No.

H doesn’t stay over because you don’t want him too. That’s all.

It’s not proof of an OW that prevents him staying over, it’s proof of no OW that allows him too. You suspect he is not disclosing his affair. Your current boundary is stated in such a manner that as along as H hides it from you he feels he can come over. Remember, masters of manipulations. He will work this against you, be ready for it.

That being said, there is some legalities in all of this. H legally can probably stay over. You and he are not divorced and have no agreement or settlement in place.

Boundaries are for you, and contain actions you take. If you swear at me, I will leave the room. That kind of thing. Preventing H based upon an OW is more strongly influencing him. You are attempting to alter his behaviour of coming over, rather than that which you can directly control. I don’t disagree with it, just ensuring you see clearly that the consequences of H’s noncompliance are not easily enforceable.

With that:

Should I be silent about this then?

No.

As I said, you don’t need to ask about OW.

Sometimes I’m simply at the point of sending him a message to ask if there is a new OW…
Luckily I haven’t done it yet.

If you did send him a message and he does have a new OW, do you think he’d tell the truth? He’d lie and cover it up.

The message or conversation you need to have is about the upcoming birthday plans. Be specific and clear. So with some guesswork on my part of certain details I came up with something like:

Hello H

I am confirming arrangements for S17’s birthday. The party is being held on September 12th, friends and family are coming around 2:00 pm. You are welcome to come over for lunch, and a visit before hand. How about coming over for 10:00 am?

Supper is hotdogs, smokies, chips, salads, and of course cake! And ice cream!

If the weather is agreeable there will be outdoor activities until around 9:00 pm. Otherwise I have some indoor actives planned.

If you want you can let me know where you are staying. Perhaps S17 can shuttle you to and from your hotel. He is quite a good driver.

Eagle3


Hope you are having a wonderful Saturday.

D