Picking Up the Pieces After WAW Goes Again #4

[BL42]

smilie,

I heard from my lawyer today with regard to the maintenance hearing. It's scheduled for 7th September. I need to attend court, but the good news is it's over video link.

Good! Now you have a specific date only 2-3 weeks away so you have a better understanding of the timeline. That must ease your anxiety. And if your L is right, you'll have some financial relief soon.

The bad news is that my lawyer has recommended that I have a barrister (@ 2,100gbp).

I wasn't aware that this would be the case and thought that the judge would just look at the case and decide and I certainly didn't expect to have to pay a barrister to represent me. I haven't responded at the moment as I am trying to weigh-up options - I have none. I either have a barrister, or not. My lawyer has said it's very important to have a good barrister.

I'm not a legal expert in the US let alone the UK - don't even know the difference between a lawyer and a barrister - but if your attorney says it's important to have a barrister I would if I were you. At the very least ask around other Ls for a second opinion or people who have been through this sitch to see if it lines up with your L's advice. You've been married 10+ years and your W makes all the income? If that means spousal maintenance will be significant I'd personally want to be well-represented to make sure my interests are served. Sure you may spend 2100gbp but if you stand to receive significantly more for years it might be worth the ROI.

All I can see though is money coming out of my pension fund and into the hands of the lawyer.

Yes, it's not fun to spend money for an attorney especially for a D you don't want. I had to pay my attorney AND fund a portion of my ExW's attorney fees even though she had the affair and was divorcing me all because of my state's laws. Oh well. It's over now. It is what it is.

I suppose in the end if it doesn't do that, then it will fall into the hands of my stbxw. Costs were supposed to be able to be claimed from her, but seeing as she is saying that she hasn't got any money left at the end of each month - even though she moved into somebody else's already established house, compared to paying out for our needs over the past few years and having a fair bit of surplus, seems strange and a total fabrication. Apparently, she had no other alternative than to rent a car for 1,200gbp a month! seriously? She could have easily borrowed some money from her father (as she always has in the past) and purchased a second-hand car, then paid that off in a few months at that rate. She has also spent all the money that she had taken and I was fully aware of this and the account being closed ... apparently. All she keeps saying is that I did not take an interest in financial matters - again a total fabrication. I am being made out to be a lazy person who did not care about anything. So, what a lovely person she is showing herself to be.

Don't worry about what she's doing financially. If she rents an expensive car, that's on her now. The lawyers and courts will sort out your fair share regardless of what's she's spending her money on.

I also have to complete financial forms for the Divorce which I was going to do today, but getting that email about a barrister started me panicking really bad again - which is all I seem to do these days.

I've been there. After my ExW first filed I waited a few weeks to respond to emails (maybe out of denial) and this year I had a really strong 3-4 months but broke down a bit when I had to read through the first settlement proposal and when the D officially went through, but I'm stronger again now. You just need to keep moving forward.

I am very embarrassed to say that I am an emotional wreck. I have gone from a confident guy to a gibbering mess. Because of all the stress my neurological thing is making it so that I cannot think properly to organise anything and is the worst it has been since it started in 2014. The good news is that I have reached out to the relevant people (even though I feel disgusted with myself having to do this) who can help with finding housing and things, as I am really having a tough time trying to work it all out. I absolutely hate not being able to think and how it is exacerbated by this level of stress, which I can't seem to control despite doing meditation, mindfulness stuff, etc. I can't even seem to sit down for half hour to watch a programme.

Most of us here were an emotional wreck at one point. And there's no shame in reaching out to people for help. However, I'm going to be completely honest (and sorry if this sounds harsh) but...

You need to man up and pull yourself together. Sometimes it's hard to read through your thread as it comes off as a helpless child unable to take care of any aspect of your life. That's not attractive to anyone, let alone your W. I get the sense this is at least a contributing factor to her decision here. Things like internet access, apartment rentals. professional fees...etc. are things adults just need to be able to handle. Make a list of everything. Start with the small stuff and start checking things off one-by-one. As you check off more items your confidence will grow and you can start to tackle the bigger things.

I understand you have a medical condition and I don't pretend to know what that's like to deal with but once the court date / spousal maintenance is settle you need to get a job. Not just because you need it financially, and certainly not to win back your Ex, but also because doing something - anything, even if it's not the ultimate career - will make you feel like you have a purpose and contributing to society and that will build confidence and accomplishment.

I have been engaging in a few meetup groups which have been very beneficial

Good!

but I still can't concentrate on GAL too much as I seem to be on the phone, looking for houses to rent, or dealing with legal stuff. I'm in a house that I can't afford to rent with no money for food, bills, etc. without needing to use my pension fund. It is truly a worrying situation and one that I didn't expect to be in. I have managed to sell a few things that has given me some funds for groceries and fuel for the next two or three weeks.

Even getting just getting the basics of your life together - checking things off the list - is a good start. You'll build confidence in yourself and feel accomplished and that can snow ball.