I know that if I attempted to set boundaries, he would just turn it around on me and play the victim.
Of course he will. As you said H cannot be seen as wrong and anything not following his script offends him. Oh well, too bad for him.
Boundaries are for you. Boundaries are for your mental, physical, and emotional health. They are not an attempt to change, alter, or fix our wayward spouse.
Know your boundaries. Base then not solely upon how you feel, ensure they have logical and reasoned underpinnings.
Set your boundaries. Clearly. By the way, one can have a clearly set boundary without saying a word.
Enforce your boundaries. Make them rock solid. H will test them. He will push and smash against them. Let him. Like waves crashing against the barrier it matters not, for you are safe on the other side.
Remember you only control you. Boundaries sometimes get mixed up into a power / control struggle. They are just you asserting your actions for your health when H crosses the predetermined line.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
I've debated this a LOT. I've said this before and he uses any excuse in the book to text or call. Our kids are grown (28, 24, 19) we have grandkids but he will use them to text i.e. sending pics of them, or asking for pics of them when I have them, bringing a chair for me to baseball games, only going to games he knows I am attending...
His use of any and every excuse in the book to contact you can be blocked. Block his number. Or let his calls go to voice mail. Silent his number so his calls and texts make no noise. Check his message only once a week. Whatever level you think you require. Dim, dark, no contact.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
In a nutshell, I spoke to each of my sons and said: I prefer not to talk about your dad. That's his business and none of mine. Encouraged them to talk to each other and trusted friends.
It's hard because historically we've discussed everything, but I know they understand my position and they actually said they are glad because he's being "so weird, mom".
The boys can see Dad’s weird behaviour. And they understand your need. However, I’d adjust your position a little.
I prefer not to talk about your father. That being said, I always will discuss things with you. If you and your life has confusion, questions, or problems; and those have an element of Dad in them, I will still be willing to talk. My love for you far exceeded my desire not to discuss H. I may not bring him up much, but you can if you need too.
Something like that. Perhaps.
Have a wonderful day Hope.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
