Onward and Upward!

[97Hope]

(((Deja))) Thanks! lol mine is jello and popcorn. I cooked most every meal for the past 25 years, so it's nice to eat what I want.

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Had the inspection today. Going to have a lot to consider. It needs more work than originally anticipated. So I will come back with new offer and see what they say. Still in option period so I will be fine either way.

Just thankful for the excitement of my future.

I had a moment last week, talking to a good friend, who suggested that I move and start over somewhere else...basically, get AWAY from XH. He and his wife are dear friends of mine for years, they both know XH and he actually knows XH quite well.

Problem with that is, my kids and grands live here. I'm not losing another thing.

Other problem is, I was getting too comfortable with XH. Saw him in Oklahoma and things happened, then the next week he invited himself to come with me to a work party, and then 2 days later showed up at Church with his OW. (I don't go to that church, but Son, DIL and 2 grandsons so). DIL and son have been explicit on not wanting any contact with OW and especially the grands having any idea about her, but my XH is kind of a weasel like that. His fave phrases are "I didn't think you meant..." or "We're just friends..." or a plethora of other gaslighting/blame shifting/victim garbage.

The good news? It reminded me that I need to go no contact. I no longer think it's in my best interest to be friendly. At least for now and for the foreseeable future. It reminded me that he is sick and there's nothing I can do and acting "as if" needs to change (cheeseless tunnel). For myself, I need to heal and detach more. I thought I was there, but then I get sucked in. I will have contact with him when I am stronger and able to be cooler. Not for appearances, but because right now, I allow him to treat me like a wife. When I'm stronger, I can get to where I don't play into the game. It's weird and sick and I need to detach from that behavior, not be a part of it.

Anyway, while talking to my friend I started to panic. And I felt such a strong urge to move away I actually cancelled the purchase!!! Talk about operating out of emotion.

I prayed for hours, talked to 2 other friends, had a frank discussion with sons about my need to have NC with XH....and as soon as I made the decision to stay and go forward with purchase - PEACE.

Decided that geography isn't the problem. It's my heart. I think that by him showing up at Church, exposing the grands to that, and pretending that the emperor was wearing clothes, was the kick in the pants I needed to move forward.

Feeling relieved to be here. Blocked his number and know it's time and for the best.

Something I learned in academy: Cover + Distance = Time. So I will take cover, keep my distance, and allow time to do it's thing.

Hope everyone is doing great and appreciate all the well wishes!!!

xo