Following up on Steve's comments above about Red Flags ("RF") - this is a major major subject area and probably deserving of more analysis, discussion and brainpower than I can provide, but i did want to pop back on the board with a few thoughts and my own cautionary tale.
First off I say never let RF behavior go unaddressed. Raise the issue on the spot. If for some reason it's not a great time to discuss it on the spot, follow-up ASAP at the first opportunity. But always make it known that you have an issue at the time of the RF, even if it with a look and body language.
When I discuss RF behavior I try not to make it about right and wrong, I just make it clear that the RF behavior does not work for me and why. Calllllmmmmmly. It's not about pointing fingers. The question is whether we are a good match. For instance with my ex, I immediately raised the name-calling harshness as an issue the first time i experienced it. I said I had an issue with that type of communication in a R, had never been in a R with that level of harshness, and never would be. And I specifically said to her it was not about right or wrong, it was about what I know would not work for me and that we were just not a good match if that's how she was going to communicate.
She appeared to get the message. She's a smart girl with many great qualities. Of course she also reverted back to the harshness, and then some, after a wedding and a couple of kids. Which leads me to my next important point and my cautionary tale.
Raising a RF, talking it out, feeling as if the message was received, watching RF behavior disappear thus confirming she got the message - these are all great. Fantastic. It's the whole idea behind raising the issue. However, as everyone here knows there is no guarantee of future performances.....
So where I went wrong in my RF assessment is that I did not focus enough on what i call the True Nature of my ex. Yes she got my message and ended (temporarily as it turns out) the harsh BS. She was faced with the prospect of me ending the dating R so she changed. But what she changed was only the manifestation of her underlying issues - high-strung, high-anxiety, anger management, control issues, etc. So i suppose it should have been apparent that without digging much deeper and addressing those underlying problems, her harsh talk, snideness, sarcastic insulting commentary would manifest over time.
I saw that she could be this way. Her family and old friends all know her to be this way. They all had a good laugh whenever I checked her behavior as they were not used to seeing that. They were used to her raging and bullying to get her way. Doesn't work on me.
But I knew, deep down I knew her True Nature. So I made the decision to focus on her keeping her mouth in check as a sign that she knew it was a deal-breaker and would end the R. But her True Nature did not change. So in a sense you can say yes I did overlook the real RF.
I'm a cautionary tale to the extent that it appeared on the surface that the RF behavior was corrected, so all is well right? Sorry, nope. It's deeper than that and it requires much more thought and analysis than what I invested. You have to look at not only RF behavior, but what is behind it, get to the root of it, and only then can you fully evaluate what you are dealing with. You have to do the work up front.
