Just a quick thought on the convo with your son-- it may be in just the way I'm reading this, but I'm wondering if you need to validate your son's feelings a bit more rather than talk about your H in a supportive way. Of course your son is horribly hurt. Those are normal feelings. Maybe (you could have already done this, but if not) really practice your validation skills on him, let him know it is okay that he feels this way, you would in his shoes, you feel sad too, (maybe you DO feel so sad too) and just hug him. It doesn't mean saying anything negative about your H or how his actions could be interpreted vis-a-vis his love for your children. I think you just want to be careful not to make your son feel like he shouldn't be feeling badly because his dad loves him, or feel like he needs to be strong and not cry in front of you. I'm sure others have more experience and wise words in this arena, but just something that came across a bit in your post.
Hang in there,
May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
