So you had an internal dialogue. OK. Glad you ok'd your behavior with yourself. That means nothing. There's a huge difference between thinking about something just long enough so you can convince yourself it wasn't impulsive and actual introspection.
You don't have to apologize for sleeping with your H. You don't have to regret it. Honestly if you want to get some sick satisfaction out of pulling one over on OW so be it. You're an adult no one can police you. But like everything else you do impulsively this will end badly. And you'll be mad at me and everyone else who tells you this is only going to end badly.
This wasn't closure or healing. Nor was it just some fun one off romp in the hay for good ol' times sake. Don't disguise it as such. You weren't looking for a last dance booty call. You're trying to hang on to the last threads of this (based on your words and no one else's) crappy marriage with sex. But you don't want to acknowledge that's what's happening here. And you're about to be in yet another world of hurt because of it. You do have expectations. Big ones. The future here is pretty bleak but those expectation of yours are clear as the light of day.
As I and many others have been saying for some time you need to get into therapy. Please seriously look into this. You need help to stop your toxic self sabotaging cycles. It's the same schtick with a new coat of paint every time.
