My STBXW has a way of putting the kids in the middle. In one recent case, she had D7 excited about going to an activity during my parenting time before asking me. So then I'm in the position of either asking my boss to work a half day once a week, or disappoint D7.
If you allow yourself to be manipulated on this one, what will she do next? I do agree with Steve that what's best for the kids should be your guiding principle, but on this one, unless it is a truly extraordinary opportunity for your D7, I'd just stick to the schedule and I'm so sorry, D7, we can't do this (but maybe you have another thing to suggest that does work with your schedule that you can do with her). Otherwise, I'm going to bet that more and more of these activities will crop up until you finally break. Don't let her use your children as a weapon against you. If she has a suggestion that works for you and your kids-- great! If she has a suggestion that doesn't-- oh well. You have plenty of activities you can plan, I'm sure, that will be great for your kids *and* work with your schedule. if you worry too much about disappointing your daughter over some unrealistic expectation that her mom gave her, you will always lose.
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As badly as I want to coparent well, simply for my kids' sake, I find myself thinking I need to detach, let go, set boundaries, and stop renting out free headspace to my STBXW over these issues. Just like DB. It's hard for me to detach because I feel it is worse for the kids if we move to a parallel parenting approach, but at least for now, I don't see a better way.
I think detaching and dropping the rope on this one is exactly the right move. I remember in the thick of my sitch what really helped me was thinking-- you can't clap with one hand. It takes two people to be married and it takes two people to coparent successfully. It isn't worse for your kids to parallel parent if coparenting doesn't work or isn't an option. It sounds to me like successful coparenting simply isn't an option for you right now, no matter how much you might wish it would be. So-- focus on those kids and on yourself and be the best dad you can be without letting your ex get in the way.
(((U)))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
