Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D

[bttrfly]

ok, this is really rough water. is there any other adult (or youngish adult) male in the family/friend sphere that your boys feel comfortable talking to? even a teacher or guidance counselor?

My son didn't really have any other strong male role models or guys he could talk to. A couple of his teachers really tried, but he was resistant. It was a real issue and led to a lot of trauma my son could have minimized had he been more open to help sooner. best thing would be for your son to see a counselor. Mine was resistant also, but he hit a wall and I took his choice away from him. We started going as family counseling with each having individual sessions as well and it's become something he relies on each week. Don't know if you can do the family counselor route and have it morph for your son(s) as well?

Barring that, I would not have the boys talk to the lawyer yet. Your ex is at best a loose cannon. You have no control over his behavior, but past experience has shown it's best not to poke that bear unless and until you have to, with all your ducks firmly in a row. If you think you need to get some kind of legal intervention, that's a different story, but it's unclear to me that s15 would be ok with that.

I think your best course of action is to keep doing what you're doing for S17 - listen, validate, ask questions, be his touchstone, and try to find another adult male that he can relate to. I've been very honest with my son about his chances of following in his dad's footsteps if he doesn't deal with it now, in real time. He listened and is getting help. You know deep in your heart what best to say to your son. The sad truth is that if he doesn't address the core wound his dad's inflicted then there is every chance he could repeat the pattern. That's the best argument for therapy.