Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D

[HaWho]

My, my, my how things are changing. My older son is leaving for college in the fall; his first year. He’ll be attending a UC school that is not within a close distance to me. Sad as I am that he will not be close, I know this is good for him and his healing. He has had a really tough time with the divorce and the grenade that his dad threw over his shoulder and onto our lives.

Early in the summer, son 17 had it out with his dad. He called him out on a lot of his behaviors and the decisions he has made over the last few years. (For those new to my story, my ex married his affair partner but asked my kids to keep it all secret from me. I did not find out he was dating nor married to her until a month after they were married. Then he divorced her in five months and also kept that a secret from me.) My understanding is my ex has been referring to himself as the family man! This, despite the fact that my kids saw him running around all hours of the night when he lived with us. And they watched him marry and divorce within a six-month period. Not much of a family man there! They are well aware that he had a midlife crisis.

Son 17, called him out as being a hypocrite, told him he is the worst family man ever and also told him he’ll never respect him. It has been very difficult to sit on the sidelines and watch him process the fact that his father is a loser. In fact, it’s a really bizarre story unfolding.

Son 17 has told me that his dad brags about bringing home women who are 25. My son said it’s really bizarre because it’s clear that somehow his dad finds validation and worth through conquering women half his age. My son recognizes that it’s truly abnormal for a 50-year-old man to validate himself in this way. He says he looks at his dad as even less than a friend. He doesn’t look at him as a dad at all. And he says he really wouldn’t be friends with a guy who talks this way about women. (I am so proud that my boy recognizes the talk as gross locker room banter that is beneath him.)

Here’s one particularly comical story. Apparently, before his dad is about to have these 25 year old women over, he takes his guitar out and tries to impress the women by playing for them!

An even more disturbing story surfaced. Apparently, the first time my son introduced his girlfriend to his dad, they were driving somewhere and from the backseat of the car, my son’s girlfriend saw his dad getting nude pics of a woman on his phone. (Not sure if it was from a sleazy site or an actual woman.) She proceeded to text my son who was sitting in the front seat and tell him about the disturbing images she was seeing on his dad’s phone. It was a truly embarrassing and mortifying moment for my son. He was really angry and embarrassed. He really likes this girl and was just was so saddened that this is dad. He’s having a lot of issues with coming to terms that this is his dad. He told me he’ll never bring her around him again. And he won’t be bringing other girlfriends in the future to meet him either. It’s really all quite trashy.

Ever since my son called out his dad, the two of them have been butting heads. It’s quite clear to me that his dad is retaliating for being called out on (some pretty obvious bad stuff). My son is showing me some text conversations between them and meanness emanating from his dad is quite extraordinary. The problems start as garden-variety issues. His dad is upset that my son is not cleaning up after himself. Pretty typical teenage stuff. But from there it gets really ugly. He is very punitive in a way that does not match “the crime”. He tells him every hour he is late cleaning his room, will be a day that he takes his car away from him. I believe a lot of this is just retaliation for being called out on being a dirt bag.

His dad also tells him that he was disrespectful in voicing his criticism. I find this comical as his behavior is so ridiculously bad that it’s not really a subjective criticism, it’s factually wrong as a parent to do the stuff he is doing. Marrying somebody in secret and asking you to keep it quiet from your mom is obviously poor decision making ability. Bragging about sexual conquests and looking at nude pics in front of kids: all obviously bad. Anyway, his dad told him he was not welcome to go there anymore because he has disrespected him by criticizing him. So my son will be living here.

I’m working really hard to try to help him heal. He’s in a lot of pain. He’s in pain from seeing who his dad is, not being able to voice obvious criticisms, and for being thrown out of his house. He’s also very worried about repeating the cycle because my ex’s dad did the exact same kind of stuff.

I’m not sure if my ex is talking about sexual conquests in front of my 15-year-old. My 17-year-old son was not sure. But I have been thinking about the fact that I do feel I need to address this with my other son given that come fall he’ll be alone with his dad. I want him to understand that none of this is normal. Secure men don’t behave this way.

So I’m open to any advice people have on how to handle this. I am also looking for advice for my other son who does not want to see a therapist but is struggling with who his dad is and is worrying about repeating the cycle. He has told me he is scared to get married, scared he’ll divorce and put his kids through this. I think it’s hard to see your dad being a vehicle where the wheels are falling off.

As for me, while I am so sad my kids are seeing all this, I am so thankful to be separated from his bad decisions.