I wouldn't do or expect that, which is why I agreed for her to go when she told me she wanted space for a couple of days (the excuse to leave). Part of me knew that it was likely she wouldn't return, reinforced by the brief heavy sob that she let out when she briefly hugged me before she went, but I hoped that she would. Of course I tried to find the issue and the why and the discussion went down that route - of course it did. Then just before she went I told her that she was breaking my heart - she was, she did ... she has.
Neither would I want her back, not the person she has shown herself to be now anyway. I would have appreciated honesty though, rather than this despicable cloak and dagger stuff that started at least 2 years prior and has been built on lies, deceit and so much hurt, manipulation (that I'm still working out) & the financial loss - only uncovered after she had left.
I think of our life together, certain days just pop into my mind continually, each one stabbing the emptiness in my heart until it physically hurts. Did I, would I want to change her mind, yes I would want to change her mind, yes I tried. I wouldn't know how to make anybody stay against their will, surely this is not possible, is it?
No smilie, it isn't possible. Not legally as to do so would be kidnapping. But my point wasn't that it was possible. I like the way you answered. That no you wouldn't want her to stay if she doesn't want to. This is the right answer. But letting go is more than just a physical thing. Letting go is emotional and mental too. You've done the physical letting go. But you continue to struggle with the emotional and mental part. Which tells me that you were overly attached, probably from the beginning.
I detect in you a tendency I've seen in a few people over the course of my life. The tendency to latch on to someone and not want to let go no matter what that person says or does. It reminds me of the scene in Dumb and Dumber, where Jim Carrey's character is told by the object of his desire that there is a 1 in a million chance of them ending up together. And his character responds with "So you're saying there's a chance!" No actually she said the opposite, but he heard what he wanted to hear in order to continue to pursue her.
smilie, I think you know logically she is gone forever, but your heart won't let you understand that. And then your lack of self assurance makes you think that your world is ending. It isn't. She isn't your life, your existence. Heck no one can be that. We live in an imperfect world where disease and death is around the corner! You could have lost her to those things at any moment in time. Being paralyzed by her loss to the point of not being able to move forward is unhealthy (which is why you need IC). And it isn't fair to the other person to put that kind of pressure on them. No one wants to be responsible for another person's happiness!
So what are you going to do to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get out of your malaise? It is up to you! CW is a perfect example of someone that recently did that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
