He took the kids out to the park and left his computer... so i snooped. I found emails from the OW dated from after our last R talk, it appears they organised to meet up and from what I can understand he ended it with the OW. However it appears from the emails I did read that their relationship was much much more than what he let on. He declared she was his eternal love.... he will miss her...blah blah blah. She also appears to be an absolute drama queen. I printed off copies to keep. I am going to raise this issue with my DB coach but I dont know what to do. Do i leave it? He ended it as I asked. But he never told me and I haven nit bought up the transparency question with him.
Good sign he ended it. Better him secretively meeting up to end it than to jump in bed with her. Based on my It's not uncommon for them
I feel foolish but he always maintained that it was never physical... judging by the tone of the emails and everyone else's experiences on the board Im going to assume it was.
Originally Posted by Michka
You have more than enough for a divorce lawyer so as far as I'm concerned you need to be done now.
Do you have a lawyer? If not consult with one (or three) NOW. Understand what matters or what doesn't. I did have ample evidence of the affair, but my L quickly let me know it had no bearing what so ever on the D, whether it'd be custody, alimony, or child support. However, IF it does in Australia where you are keep snooping and documenting in case you need it.
Already have one, but those emails about the affair arent relevant. They deal with property settlement and child support.
Originally Posted by Michka
Continuing to snoop will only hurt you. You may see something you didn't want to see and can't unsee it. You may get caught and all your efforts toward R will be tossed out the window.
It does seem like you have more of a chance to R than most, so maybe it's best to stop snooping. I know it certainly hurt me and set me back every time I did, and if I had be given the chance to R it might've hurt my perspective to R.
Its so hard, I now have a way to contact the OW and its taking all my willpower to NOT contact her. But I wont lie I really really want to.
Originally Posted by Michka
WSs looooovvvvvveeee a reason to act like they can't trust you. It makes them feel like the moral playing field has leveled out.
Yep! ExW: sounds like we have a trust issue (referring to me, as if she's not the one having the affair). Me (thinking): Umm...yeah...for obvious reasons?
Made me laugh!
Originally Posted by Michka
We were seperated for a few months before they met. Not sure I would classify it as cheating.
You're still married! It's cheating. He can't move out for a bit, test the field, move back and want to work on things, then move out and and date and have it not be cheating. You took vows. He has to honor them or not.
In theory I agree. What kills me is that should he be in my shoes he would have cut me off immediately, shouted it to the hilltops and played the victim to the audience.
Originally Posted by Michka
Just angry that he clearly lied about the extent of the relationship. He maintained it was merely a friendship that had developed "feelings" yet the emails I read was the about the eternal love he has for her even if they cant be together.
Unfortunately this is common. You'll read it A LOT on this board. Spouses having an affair will lie, lie, lie...only admitting what they've been caught on. My ExW's AP/OM1 was "just a coworker", then they had "been friends for 10 years", then "OK, we had an EA", then "we only kissed"...etc.
Yes so it appears. Still makes me sick. Also makes the whole trust issue so much harder.
Originally Posted by Michka
To be clear, they both sound loopy, they knew each for four months (this has been confirmed from the emails I read) and her emails made it sound like her one true love was leaving.
Unfortunately again, this is also very common...and "Loopy" is a great word for it.
I really feel like quoting parts of the email..but I wont, they are packed away "just in case". But honestly they made me sick. Sounded like two middle aged adults playing they are Romeo and Juliet.
My ExW & AP/OM1 had only known each other for a few months and yet "they were each others' person", they "would always have a bond", they just dreamt of their marriages being over and having the kids run around in the back yard together...etc. A few months later when the spouses and their employer found it was all over and ExW quickly had the same "loopy" talks with OM2.
It seems crazy to a rationally thinking person, but WAS/WWs can literally turn their back on their their spouses and think the AP is their one and only soul mate after a short period of time, ignoring all realities.
Honestly...part of me wants to reach out to the OW and tell her if she wants my scraps she is welcome to him.
Originally Posted by Michka
Really worried about the eldest, he has badly regressed in his sleep and is constantly analysing his fathers actions and movements. I have spent the morning calling around to see if I can set up a phone counselling session for him. He is only 8 but has always had such a wise and mature nature with a high EQ. So he is really feeling this.
Sorry. It's so hard to see the impacts on the kids. My S6 has cried many times over the last year, once 45 mins sobbing himself to sleep, but seems to be getting better over time. All you can do is your best for your kids. Be there for them. Be a great mom.
I am really trying to be a mum, dad and everything else. Lockdown feels like it has magnified the emotions in relation to this drama. We are all at home and there isn't the usual distractions of school, friends etc etc. He and his brother are getting on each others nerves. They are getting on my nerves. Just alot of nerves all round
