WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont9.)

[BL42]

ScottB,

So I called my STBEx. I told asked her if she felt good about the current direction of our divorce. She asked what I meant. I said I still didn't want to get divorced. She began to cry. She said I caught her off guard. She said life is really hard for her right now and that the last week had been very hard.

Sorry the conversation didn't go as you hoped.

Her dad continues to degrade because of his dementia, her mother has an unknown health ailment which she believes is cancer - she says the doctors don't know what it is - and her mom said that whatever it is she is not going to get treatment, she would just assume die. She said that my son is disrespecting her and she doesn't know what to do about it. She said her family is a mess, her marriage is ending, and she's overwhelmed. She also mentioned the deteriorating relationship with her sister. And so she just cried on the phone.

I tried to use the skills I've been working on. I tried to listen without providing any solutions and empathize. She said she couldn't make any decisions or really talk. I just mirrored back to her that losing her dad and now her mom possibly too had to be unbearable.

Good you listen and validated, instead of fixing/reasoning/trying to convince.

I do believe her mom is just trying to manipulate her and her sister and I'm betting the illness is made up. That woman is nearly a sociopath. She just seems to destroy everyone she gets her claws into.

Could be. My Ex-MIL is very manipulative as well. Bought a house in town not long before BD, helped faciliated W's affair and D, hung out and partied with ExW&OM2 before ExW even moved out. Thing is, as with me, she's part of your W's story/life and you can't change it. So you just need to deal with what you can.

I feel bad, but knowing that she is doing a lot worse than I am, actually in a weird way made me feel better.

LH19 and SteveLW may be right about "unattached love" being the ideal and most healthy state but think it's common to have some angry thoughts about an Ex who betrayed you and take some schadenfreude out of their struggles post-BD/D. I'm there myself right now. I'm guessing it's going to take more time and personal work to get to the "zen" state of loving detachment for our Exs. You were married 15 years and together 22 yet it's been less than a year since she moved out. It's probably normal at this point. Just keep working on yourself and you'll get there.

Also, hearing in her voice that their might be a place to reconcile really made me think about whether or not that would make sense for me and I'm not sure.

Doesn't sound like she was really thinking of reconciling - don't read too much into it.

When I have my kids I'm pretty happy. We have a lot of fun and we're building great memories. Its really low key and low stress. I hired an interior decorator and I'm redoing my house, which is kind of stressful and sad, but also a bit empowering and the kids seem to be kind of excited about it. I was dating some but I'm pulling out of that scene. It just feels like more than I'd like to deal with. There are still good days and bad, but I've learned time with the kids gives me a lot of balance and happiness. The three of us make a good little family.

Glad you're enjoying your time with the kids! I'm making the most of mine, and redoing the house as well! Dating is weird after so long, right? I dipped my toes in after D but not making it a priority.

In talking with the STBEx, I do feel like I've healed a good bit and I've grown a good bit.

Good!

She did not seem healthy or happy at all and really like a complete and utter shell of herself, which had started before we separated , but now seeemed so much worse.

That's her problem now, not yours.

The thing that causes me the most stress is definitely dealing with the attorney's as a part of the divorce, so Monday will be stressful.

It's a soul-sucking process. Hang in there. You'll get some relief to not have to deal with it all once it's done.

AS, please come back more often on this board ! I think your comments are always spot on and full of wisdom.

I second that motion! A lot of good advice from AS, Thornton, R2C, LH, SteveLW, Vapo, and others lately on this thread.

WAS's have a lot going on in their heads. They may seem all calm, cool and collected on the outside but inside there's a storm raging. They are torn, confused, anxious. Sometimes it comes to the surface like you saw here, but almost as soon as it does they will bury it again and resume their facade.

...

Do you know the roller coaster analogy? She's riding a roller coaster with a lot of highs and lows. If you tie yourself to her feelings then you ride it as well. When she's at the peak then you think things are improving and you get your hopes up. Then down her coaster goes crashing back to the reality that she's done and there's no hope and you with it. Your job is to stay off the coaster. You're on solid ground off to the side watching her go up and down and all around. A lot of her feelings, whether good or bad, are temporary. She might dangle the carrot of reconciliation one day and then reel it right back in the next. You want to avoid pinning your own feelings on her swings.

This is a very good read. At least for me, it's helpful to have a better understanding of what's going through WAS minds (deep down, not the happy façade was LBS see). Not that it changes the situation, but makes me feel more normal less crazy relative to my emotions and how I'm handling myself.