I empathize with your feelings of stress over the traumatic events of your situation.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I do feel I have some PTSD from the affair. I've been finding myself dwelling a lot on things lately. I've been having trouble sleeping too. I just feel stagnate. Numb. Maybe it's just exhaustion. But I know I need to focus on the feelings and work through them.
The dwelling upon the past events is normal. It’s part of grief; the stage of depression. The time when we emotionally realize the loss.
The stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are written in that particular order as they give the overarching path. However, the stages are not strictly linear nor one at a time. It is very common to be within two or more stages which reflect upon different parts of one’s situation and their journey towards acceptance.
An interesting juxtaposition of grief is bargaining and depression. These usually overlap. Bargaining being our last ditch efforts to keep our former lives intact, and depression being us finally letting go of that and facing the dark sadness of our loss. It’s a weird time.
Along with that emotional journey, one moves from attached to detached and then on to indifferent. Indifference, that numb feeling. A time when other feelings loom much larger than they really are when compared against the now and very temporary void of numb indifference. Be cautious. Anger, vengeance, lust, infatuation, and such all appear much larger at times. And at other times we are completely void and blank. Such is the mix of depression and indifference.
I do understand how it is a pretty good feeling when we get some attention. Especially after your spouse treated you like he did.
Entertaining ideas of “what if” are a nice little dream. Keep them there!
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I mean, I'm an older divorcing woman...what is he looking for?
I think you know the answer to that.
Decisions made based upon feelings oftentimes lead to regret.
The one’s attention you covet. The one who’s respect you desire. Is your’s. Oftentimes folks don’t find that out until too late.
You defined yourself as “divorcing”. I’ll be explicitly straightforward, do not date or give into someone’s attention while you are married. Give yourself at least one full year post finalized divorce before any of that. For you are worth it!
Indifference is a gift. Depression a necessary step towards accepting what has happened and one’s new life. A new and very great life full of possibilities! Take the time to fully unwrap and explore this gift and blessing bestowed upon you. Yes, I’m serious. Depression and numbness are blessings. Accept them.
Originally Posted by Elebereth
But I know I need to focus on the feelings and work through them.
We work through best by not focusing upon that which presses. Your emotional self is already churning and processing. Focusing your conscious direct control towards your emotions and feelings is more a hinderance than a help.
Focus upon your self and your life. Joyful times. Birds singing. Songs. Walks. Trips. Gardening. Work. Etc.
Be patient and let answers, the true internal answers, present themselves. You cannot force that. It takes time to walk the path. And the best strategy is a peaceful, kind of sideways approach.
It’s part of finding our beliefs. Then strengthening those values that serve us. Crafting beliefs and convictions we aspire to. And altering or discarding that which does not serve us.
By the way, most people believe in vengeance and unknowingly justify it as a belief in justice. Vengeance is a pretty good one to let go of, IMHO. And Compassion, kindness, forgiveness, etc. are all pretty good values to strengthen.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
My STBXHs AP has moved states and is now living with him. A part of me is glad, because I do feel it's the beginning of the end for them as I don't feel that relationship will last (Karma). I am also hoping that it means that things will finally move forward with the D as nothing has been happening. I just want to move on with my life and have my finances in order. I'm ready. But I also didn't want to make it easy on him and push the process through and do all the work. So I'm kind of stuck on what to do if things continue to drag out. I know I should not focus at all on what is happening with them...so now that things are where they are, I am now making a conscious effort to not poke around her social media channels. I've not looked in a week or so now.
El, embrace your indifference and find yourself. Find your beliefs.
It is ok, and actually healthy to be stuck. Give yourself permission to be stuck. Is is ok.
Do continue not spying upon OW’s social media blabbing. She’s not worth that effort and you need not know or compare. Your life is awesome. Live it.
Be patient and continue your path.
The future is thankfully unknown. And will reveal itself in time.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
