The waffling is normal and he will do it for a while. When he's all in you'll know it, but don't count on the "I will move mountains to be with you." That kind of remorse is truly few and far between. There will be no beating of his breast and crawling across glass to show you he loves you and does want to try. It will be in small incremental ways that he'll show you (not say, but truly show) he's dedicated to making this work.
The detachment you're feeling now is the goal. It shouldn't scare you. It should empower you. You have reached the threshold of "do I actually want to save this MR?" That's exactly where you want to be if you want to move forward successfully together or apart. You cannot be feeling co-dependent in any way if you want a reconciliation. You need to know that you could just as easily walk away. This is a giant leap to you leveling out the playing field in your relationship. H no longer holds the keys to whether the MR will last or not. You both do.
The snooping. We've all done it. Most of us have regretted it. I never read anything intimately between my H and OW. I watched the phone records, and I tracked his whereabouts but the idiot should've gotten his own phone or a burner if he really didn't want me to know. I actually turned my tracking off so he couldn't find me or know if I'd pop up where he and OW were. My H wasn't particularly good at cheating, or hiding it, so may be I had less of a need to dig. But now that you've seen what you've seen do you need to snoop more? Or is this enough for you?
You have more than enough for a divorce lawyer so as far as I'm concerned you need to be done now. Continuing to snoop will only hurt you. You may see something you didn't want to see and can't unsee it. You may get caught and all your efforts toward R will be tossed out the window. WSs looooovvvvvveeee a reason to act like they can't trust you. It makes them feel like the moral playing field has leveled out. On top of that, if you really want an R with this man how long are you going to invade his privacy instead of trying to rebuild trust? If there are things you want to know it's his job to let you know and to make you feel comfortable and safe. It's your job to make him feel like you're actually trying to move past the A. I won't condemn the snooping you've done you got some information you needed to see with your own eyes, but you need to end it here.
