Quote
I WAS NOT FAT but I've internalized that so much.

Fortunately I didn’t really internalize this, although I probably spent more time than necessary attempting to meet some elusive physical ideal that might make him happy.

Still, my ex was so extreme that I could laugh at it. I mean, I was 5’6” 118 lbs when we got married - actually underweight, with my ribs showing. At our tenth anniversary, after three kids, I still fit into that wedding dress. But nothing was ever perfect enough for him. And when I DID later gain some weight due to some severe thyroid problems,
well - you lose value to a narcissist if you don’t make THEM look good.

Of course, looking back, I now know that his criticism of my not-thin-enough thighs in our honeymoon pics was part of his longing/guilt/whatever over sleeping with an old girlfriend the night before our wedding (she had an abortion while we were on our week honeymoon) and who he was still communicating with. (I didn’t know all of this at the time).

I really learned what I had been missing in my marriage when every man I dated after my divorce delighted in my body, however imperfect, no matter what weight I’d gained.

You need to evict your ex from your head, bttrfly. He never deserved you.