New to the club

[DnJ]

Hello Taz

It’s wonderful to hear from you and to get an update. You sound healthy and quite fit. Good for you!

I’m so glad S22 choose to have you and S20 attend his graduation. That must be quite validating for you. I know those kind of things were for me. Our kids see and know what is going on. Have faith, they will do right.

Nice to see S22 landed a job. I bet he is excited. Good for him!

Sorry to hear S20 is having some difficulties. Everyone progresses at their own rate.

He seems quite depressed and is most likely tired of me asking him if he's ok. I have recommended getting him some IC but he doesn't want to so I am still trying to determine how to navigate this. He just can't accept that his mom has changed into a person he no longer recognizes.

How to navigate. You only control you, and S20 controls himself. So, lead by example and gently influence.

You are likely correct, S20 is depressed. And if you think are asking if he is ok too often, you probably are.

Instead of questions to gauge his emotional state, talk with him. Tell him of interesting things. Show your interest in his interests. S20 will come around and start filling in all kinds of details.

It takes a good while to gentle encourage someone to walk their path. There are plenty of times in which the person needs to just sit for a while and consider where they are. That’s ok. Perfectly normal. Just be there. And love him.

My goodness there was so many times at the beginning when I just asked such straightforward questions. I cared. I was scared. I didn’t know; well to be accurate I didn’t remember; how to talk with someone, how to empathize. The more I healed, the better things became.

It will take time for S20 to find acceptance of his Mom’s new behaviour. He has a lot of grief to traverse. Depression is a necessary and difficult step along that path. Be kind, gentle, and empathize with him.

They have seen each other once in the last 5 months. He can go visit her anytime he wants but refuses too. I assume that seeing her in her current state is just too painful for him.

Taz, learn what the reason is. Don’t assume.

I don’t mean for you to find out directly. This is an encouragement for your path. An encouragement for you to illustrate a gentle bit of leading and inspiring for your son. You lead him to open up his feelings to you and therefore to himself. That’s the goal. Your task is to find an empathic way to accomplish that.

I’ve found encouraging my kids to talk about Mom, her behaviours, how she behaved; talking about the factual situation lead them to talking about their feelings more. “Oh my God, she actually showed up at school. In the afternoon. In the middle of the hallway with everyone around. And told you off in front of your classmates. Holy moly!” Validating my daughter’s day lead to her telling me of the embarrassment and anger she felt towards Mom. You probably can see how my summary of my daughter’s story of her day would further her discussion. People usually want to talk about what matters to them. Just got to find out what that is.

S20 is refusing to see Mom. My S20 does mostly the same thing. I doubt for your son it because it’s too painful. I’d bet son is angry. Is upset with her morals, her choices, her devaluing him in her selfish efforts to live her wonderful life.

You might be surprised at just how deep and wise and strong willed and faithful a son you’ve raised. It is an incredible conundrum for them - she is his Mom and she is this person. He’d normally have nothing to do with this woman, except she is his Mom. Gentle guidance my friend - these poor kids are looking and trying to find their path amidst the wreckage. Be their role model.

Kind, compassion, understanding, accepting, and forgiving. I know, quite a path. Your light will draw them forward.

Still standing

I like it. Proud of you.

And now…

For whom do you stand?

I really want to hear your beliefs, feelings, and thoughts on this. So no pressure. Lol

D