I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[Pack_19]

Hi Steve, all,

Thanks again for your posts. Things are getting better I think. I am working a lot on my PIES and on accepting that this is my new life permanently and fighting those thoughts about the value in all I shared with my ex-W. At the same time, I keep high in my head all the comments from LH19 (that I need to learn to walk away from things that dont work for me, that I should listen to the voice in my head that tells me I deserve better, that I must work on my boundaries and self esteem...)

I finished the project at work, it has been a great success! But now there is a new one coming right after holidays on the 16th August and I feel this year is going to be very demanding. I also got a second hand carbon road bike, it is quite old but it will do the job to get me started. Now that the kids are with W for some days, I am back to running and I can say I am better than right after covid. From an emotional point of view I am working hard on not chasing people and being a light beam for those that do want to be in my life, learning what women expect from us, having a clear vision of my principles and the man and father I want to be. Perhaps the best piece of news is that we might have a buyer for the house in Munich, that should finally set me free financially from our M. As you know, I struggle a lot with the house, I got some new pictures from the person that will help us with the selling and it just looks great. I cannot remove the emotional load the house has as an achievement and the plan for my life I had with her and the kids. I am trying to make an effort to think, with the earnings from the house I will afford a humble performance car, which I have always wanted as a dream, but it feels I am forcing myself to see this in a selfish way to accept my life plans have been dynamited. Hopefully you know what I mean.

Now that all that W has done, the stories about OMs and her attitude from day one is starting to hit me as I gain back confidence and see again the value in the things I had provided and continue to bring to my family; I am very scared of this vindictive attitude that is growing in me and the worst is how sometimes I still get occasional comments from S7 that he would love to have his mom and dad together again and all I can think is now the "no" is on my side as I deserve much better than all of this. Don't misunderstand me, I have a clear picture of my mistakes and areas of improvement, but now is like I despise the woman she has become and I dont want anything to do with her and I feel again like I am being immature in being unable to say "W, I have suffered a lot, but I wish you no wrong, I hope you can be happy and rebuild your life". But when I see her, I still see my W and the mother of my children and I cannot understand what we did so wrong that this situation is better for us four... what is wrong with my head?

I need support from the board in a subject. W had covid last week and she was mean to have the kids the first fortnight in July. We had a chat over email and when I asked her to clarify when she tested positive to make sure it was save for S3 she replied in a bitter tone via email that the doctor had told her last Tuesday and she needed not my permission to go out but only inform me. I dont know where this comments come from, eventually she had to put off the date till Thursday to pick them up and I have not known when she tested positive (if I ask is like I want to control her or get my nose in her life from her point of view). So after picking them up she has asked me if they can stay longer with her because I then have 15 days with them.

On the 23rd was my S3 birthday, all I could do is send W a message asking her to wish him happy birthday from my side. I got a picture and that was all. I went to bed feeling like crap, my son turns 3 and I am not there. And worst is this is the first of many to come...I need to get stronger emotionally, I know, but this hurts same as the day they all 3 left home in Munich and I was left there with my head spinning, crying and unable to understand what was happening.

Yesterday I was video calling S7 and I had the brilliant idea of asking him. This is what happened after I talked to S7 about his day and how he was doing.
Me: S7, mommy asked me if you can stay with her 1 or 2 days more, for me it is not a problem, are you ok to stay or would you like to come with me next Saturday?
S7: I want to go with you daddy.
W- Interrupts from the background: S7, you told me you wanted to stay.
S7: yes daddy, I what to stay. Mom said if I stay I will have time to open the new mario lego she got us.
Me: Oh ok! I have no new toys but yes of course you can stay, I wanted to see what you thought!
W - again from the background - I am not buying them, it is YOU the one that always buys them. Stop getting MY son in between this and manipulating them against me.

I immediately hanged up. I got a message later from S7 asking if I was mad, I replied I wasnt I just got nervous and I didn't want him to see any more fights between his mom and me. My friends were present, they rapidly told me I was making a big mistake, that my chats with S7 should be about how much I love him and how he is doing, and THAT is all.
I tried to explain it to them, they told me they knew it hurt beyond they could understand but my number 1 should be the kids, and for them I need to avoid all conflicts and suck up my pride.

I feel they are right and I messed up yesterday, so here comes my request for support. I talk about many things with S7, I try to show him I care about his opinion even when I make decisions against it. Did I make a mistake by asking him about this subject? what things should I share and what things do I need to keep away from him? How can I prevent W being snooping there all the time when I talk to S7?? can I even do that without hurting S7 feelings?

I honestly asked yesterday thinking I can grant her 1 or 2 days more (this is how stupid I am), even when I only have 15 days holidays this summer and I want to make the most of them with my children as these days are in between projects and I will have to go back to working until 18 every day. Now all I can think is, W I am sorry you got covid and could not enjoy them for longer, but I cannot compromise my holidays with them for you. I am not here to do any more sacrifices for you anymore. Should I let them stay 1 or 2 days more?? I feel like I try to be nice, to stay away from her and to heal. When we have informal encounters, she is all cheerful and nice. When she needs something from me or I go against her, we are back to blame insults and hurtful statements. Can I please have your opinion on what I have done wrong and need to improve and how to deal with these requests from W from the point of view of a strong man that is finally willing to show her I wont tolerate any more disrespect and humiliation?

Thank you all, I am talking to my new layer to file as soon as I sell the house in Munich. I have so much work to do on myself, but I am sure I will become the best man, father and partner I can be when this hell is over and I can finally drop all my attachment to our life as a family. This time I am really looking forward to your answers, thanks a lot, for helping me grow to become a better person and being blunt and sincere.

((hugs)) Pack