Still learning, but leaning into the future...

[bttrfly]

I can proudly say I am firmly detached and really ready for the D process to begin in earnest and conclude sometime this year. The further out from my marriage I get, the more I see how much imbalance existed in it and how I have spent the past 10 years merely surviving instead of thriving.

^^^ this. YES. I so relate!

I don’t want to get into details, but H is not the person I thought he was, in any sense of the word. I know that D can bring out the worst in people, so I am allowing some wiggle room there, but there are some deep personality traits that I now see I unconsciously enabled and compensated for in our R.

^^^ again, this. I could have written this myself. The thing is, I thought that love would heal him. I thought that love was more powerful than the damage wrought by his parents. Boy, was I wrong. Or maybe love will heal him, but years and years and years from now. What I've learned is that love will heal me and that's far more important. I suspect you're learning that too!

I am a strong, independent woman who always trusted my intuition and felt assured of my decision-making capacity (and my ability to pivot should I make a poor decision). I felt healthy, strong and mentally balanced. I felt like I had internal resources in excess and as such, when H came flying at me with all his accusations about my character, my conduct during our M and my reaction to his blindsiding ILYBNILWY, I listened and internalized them much, much more than I ever should have. He played on my strengths and used them as fuel as to why he had to leave 15 years of misery. I trusted him and allowed him to tear apart everything that made me, me. All the sides of me that I valued, that other people in my life valued, that honestly was what attracted him to me in the first place, became a burned-out village, smoldering in spots and no longer recognizable.

whoa boy, can I get an "Amen"!

I did this. I allowed this to happen. My eagerness to grow and change, my desire to save my M, and my curious nature, coupled with the codependent dynamics that have existed in our M allowed this to happen. And as I am rebuilding that village, I am able to see where the weaknesses existed, some of the huts were dry tinder begging for a spark. And now I get to rebuild it all of bricks and stone if I wish. Or not. But it’s mine and it’s me and I get to decide what rises from the ashes.

The deep irony in all of this is that I have daughters who are so much like me. Strong, independent, self-assured, but also open, loving, caring and community-minded. If I let H continue to tear down those essences of me, I am allowing him to vicariously do the same for my daughters. Not on my watch. And I will lead them by example. You too, dear daughters can be strong and capable. Don’t ever apologize for that; it is celebrated in men. And you can also be kind and loving and empathetic. You can hold it all, and you will.

I am so very glad you see this. I remember in the last few years of my marriage worrying about what messages were we giving our son - of how a man treats a woman or regards women generally, of how a woman treats a man or allows herself to be treated by a man. You are giving your girls the best example of womanhood, Sage. Brava!

I am still in the midst of some hard stuff. Triggers occur daily. I am traumatized on a lot of levels. But I am just enough above the clouds to see that this isn’t going to be forever, that time will heal me, H and the children. That H and I will likely come out the other side in a few years and be able to communicate normally, put our children first and both lead successful lives. That’s my north star anyway.

Thanks for reading, I adore you all.

Xx
S

And Sage, even if you aren't able to communicate with him normally, that will be ok too. It was never about him anyway - it's about you, and where you go from here. Stay true to yourself, your values, your core and you will thrive!