Help! Need Advice please Part 2

[BL42]

Definitely wait on counseling.

When you say "we", who proposed therapy, who followed up on it, and who found the therapist?

These are not inconsequential details. I proceeded despite all the warnings not to enter MC until we were committed. In my first unsuccessful R attempt, I found the therapist after she called a couple and said nobody could see us anytime soon. I paid for therapy because it was too much, but she'd look into getting it reimbursed. Therapy consisted of her venting at me. If the therapist said I was anxious and she was avoidant, she'd repeat after the session that I was anxious. She'd ignore suggestions to bring us together, adopt suggestions taking us apart, and say it was the therapist's advice.

At BD I assumed because my Ex-W and I didn't have any "major problems" and that counseling would easily fix the small issues we did have. However, she told me she did not have any desire to put the smallest bit of effort into working on the relationship and refused to go to counseling for months. Finally, she told me her IC gave her a referral but it'd have to wait until after COVID because she wouldn't do start any MC virtually (even though she was in IC virtually). She gave me the counselor's info and I eagerly pursued appointments thinking "we could get through this" and it would help. Finally she agreed to do Zoom calls and it took all but 3 sessions. The first she mostly complained about me and I listened and validated, the second I raised the issue of the affair which she admitted and and the counselor told us the marriage would never work if the A was active because the A is a fantasy and marriage can't compare to that, and the third session she definitively told me she wants a divorce and asked how do we tell the kids. She refused to do any "homework" exercise the MC gave us outside of the limited sessions. Keep in mind this was all before I found this forum, and read others' experiences with MC - I just assumed a counselor could help us fix any issues, and was completely wrong. Looking back I thing she wanted to "check the box" so she could tell her family and friends "we even tried counseling" and/or have the counselor help her tell me she wanted D and how to communicate with the kids.

My point is this...from the start I just assumed MC would help, but W had absolutely no interest in trying at all. I was the one reaching out to book appointments, flexing out around work, asking to try the "homework" together...whereas gave it all but 3 sessions before pulling the plug. I spoke with my sister's co-worker who went through something very similar and his Ex literally jumped out of the car when they were stopped at a light on the way to MC he was advocating. So...just be wary of MC fixing anything unless your H is 100% bought in.