I did get to enjoy the kids over the past weekend. After a very hard week without seeing them for 10 days it was such a blessing to spend time with them. It made me realize how much they help me stay balanced, happy and healthy.
Scott, I know this is tough for you, it's been 10 years for me but I remember quite well how difficult it was being apart from my kids half the time. But here is the thing that I came to realize, my days of raising kids were numbered no matter what happened to my marriage. They don't stay kids forever, they grow into independent adults. The days of tickling them, giving them butterfly kisses, reading them stories and such are limited. Make the best of those times, but be mindful that you can't lose sight of who YOU are. You've got to pursue your own interests independent of your wife (current or future) and your kids. You have to have a compass that gives you direction outside of being a husband and father. And if you've already lost that compass, then you need to get it back.
So what does that look like, that "getting your compass back". Well it's a lot of what we preach here. It's getting out, GALing. It's finding things that YOU like to do, whether anyone else is interested or not. For me it was getting back into the hobbies I had set aside years before. Building and flying R/C planes, weight training, working on and riding motorcycles, building model cars, rekindling relationships with old friends. In addition I met new people through my hobbies and made new friends. I also picked up some new interests, ceramic sculpting in particular. The weeks I had the kids I was more focused than ever on making the most of that time. The weeks I didn't have them I dove into my GAL activities.
At first I was just going through the motions, but then I started liking it, then loving it, then it became my "new normal" and I wasn't sad anymore. I can't stress enough what a transformation this can make in you, I went from desperately trying to save my marriage at all costs and being miserable and depressed, and seeing nothing but negative karma everywhere I looked; to being content and happy and optimistic, and not even caring if my marriage made it or not. Now I am all for saving marriages if possible, but sometimes it's just not meant to be. And for me, the whole idea of DB'ing isn't necessarily to save your M, it's to put you into a position where you will succeed and be happy whether your M continues or not.
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I just wish that it didn't hurt so much, and that my mind would move on. I'm not sure what kind of a timeline is fair for this kind of thing.
It took me a year to finally start feeling like my life was under control again, and two years to get pretty well detached. But it will take you whatever it takes. One of the hardest parts about this is being patient with YOURSELF. You can't rush recovery from emotional trauma.
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In a lot of ways she was my best friend. So, maybe I'm expecting too much of myself in getting over her.
I don't think you're expecting too much, but you may be expecting it too soon. It takes time!
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I just wish the impact on my mental and emotional well being wasn't so severe.
It may very well be the most difficult thing you go through in your life. It was for me (at least to this point). But once you recover you'll look back and wonder why you struggled with it so much. Because you will find new happiness, maybe even so fulfilling that it'll make you wonder why you clung so hard to the old.
