She constantly asked him If he would call her, and he said he had no interest in calling and talking to her. Told her at least 4 times he only wanted to be friends. Thing is All i am doing is stating the facts, it doesn't mean nothing else with anybody else was goingon. I have never said that, merely stating the facts that I do Know since i know so little for sure. That is all. Something to know about me, is I am honest to a fault, thats what all my friends, family, anyone that knows me says. I am a psychology major and I also am an empath. My teachers always told me that I could debate any side of anything that has ever happened in history. Telling points of view and the facts to everything is just part of who I am. And trust me as I have had this be an issue with many people misunderstanding my need to spout all facts from all points of view, I really do understand how it seems like I am defending him. I've never been great at just spewing my anger especially when writing/typing, it always calms me lol I really love that everyone on here wants to make sure I'm not being naïve or foolish by letting him back in, it really does make me very happy to know how much complete strangers can care about me. I promise you I am not letting him back in right now, at all. Not even close to considering it yet.
And I am aware that he could end up not going, as it is said alot, its a waiting game, and patience, his apppointment has been set for next week, I am waiting to see if he goes.
I am not letting him back in our room, honestly Im not letting anything change right now at all.
I really am more trying to deteremine how anything progresses from here, after a month of him showing he wants to work on M, do I start being friendly towards him, when should I allow R talks, If we find some kind of counseling online thats cheap, can I start it with him immediatley, or should I wait awhile? I just want to progress this correctly and not hold off if some things, like counseling would be beneficial to start now.
My advice? Let him be the one to do the work. If he is serious about working on the M he will look for counseling to go to. Read sandi's rules, those are how you behave towards him. Friendly, engaged, happy, upbeat, fulfilled, etc. You let him set the course. If he is upbeat and happy, good. If he is sullen and withdrawn, you are upbeat and happy anyway! During our limbo I would bounce around the house, doing what I needed to do with a spring in my step, humming or whistling a tune, happy and friendly. When addressed I would give my full attention until the exchange was over, and then I would say "Okay, I need to get back to what I was doing!" in cheerful tone, then stridefully go humming and whistling on my way. If he starts a R talk, you listen and validate. Feel free to put off decisions he wants you to make. "So, should we start doing date nights?" "I'd like to think about that and get back to you." Etc.
Certainly do not be unfriendly, but remember sandi's rule about the cashier at the store.
It will come naturally, slowly and over time. No need to over think it.
As far as the rest of what you say above, I get it. Being neutral and centered is a good thing. Just remember, there is plenty of blame to go around. It isn't all his fault, and it certainly is not all your fault. In fact, he is the one that despite vows like "for better and for worse" decided to give up and pull up stakes to go elsewhere. Do not forget that. Own your trash but let him own his too.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
