Still putting one foot in front of the other...

[Elbereth]

Hello friends,

Had some time to myself this evening so popped in to check on what I've been missing. ha! Seems I picked the night that the big dump is happening, so I do hope my posts on others feeds stick around on the other side!

I've been completely overwhelmed and exhausted. But I'm dealing enough...in that my health is level and not deteriorating. I keep losing a lot of hair though. Ugh. I'm doing my best to make self-care a priority but it's been very hard. I'm working extra hours now (but still waiting for the offer packet for full time), I have another project that I have to finish as well for another client, and I've been still sorting, packing moving, unpacking and repeat each weekend. There just never seems to be enough hours in the day. So sleep has been my biggest self-care. I need more walks and time, but right now I'm struggling with it all. As soon as the house is on the market, I will be in a better place and have more time...

With all of this stress, I recently also had an episode with bats in the house, so now I've been getting rabies vaccines, which wiped me out for two days and seems to make me feel super tired after each dose. When will my life settle? I'm READY! Can I just skip all this BS and get there already? ha!

I've been friendly with the STBXH to keep things emotionally simple for me. I just don't have the energy for any drama. He's moved away and is only in town here and there for moving and such. I think he's starting to think we are buds...even though I told him that I don't want to be friends after the divorce happens. Right now we have to be around each other a lot while we get the house sold, but after that I am looking forward to talking to him less and less everyday. Oddly, he's made constant effort to connect. For example, he sounded a bit pushy on a text and I wrote back and said that is what I was hearing. He called and apologized and I acted unemotional about it, but was like "yeah, you sounded that way, but okay, glad you didn't mean it, thanks". Then like four hours later I get another apology text from him about it. I guess it was bugging him all day, but I had already moved on from it? Then this evening he said he's coming back to town and wanted me to join he and our son for dinner, and I was like "well, you can see him without me if you want" to make it clear that I really don't care if I see him or not for dinner. We have done dinners together with the whole move process, but those are not dinners out. That's different than throwing something together after moving all day.... And what, we are going out to dinner like a family, when we are no longer a family and you are having an affair? WTF?

So maybe he's feeling me pull away. And it's real, because I am. I really don't want to be with him anymore. Sure, there are parts of him that I will always love. But I really have no desire to reconcile now. I just want to get past all of this so I can get on with my life. He would have to do some major work on himself for me to even consider anything even remotely to friendship after this. Not that I want to be his enemy or be ugly, because I don't. But I don't want someone who has shown me less respect than anyone else in my life for a friend. I deserve so much more than that. Have I forgiven him? If forgiveness is letting go of the anger and just focusing on myself, then yes, I guess I have. I just have no desire to put any energy into that relationship beyond what is necessary for the kids and family members. Sure, I'm still sad and I cry. But it's due to disappointment more than anything.

I guess if I look back on where I was when I joined this forum, I probably seem like a different person. I guess maybe I am. I'm a changed person who is growing, trying to thrive, and looking towards the future I am making for myself. I do feel stronger. Exhausted, but stronger.

Thanks friends for sharing this journey with me.

El