So he has been spewing the last week, and i have been trying my hardest to detach, albeit lovingly. Working on listening and validating.
Examples like...
H: I really cant see us getting back together, it's gone too far.
M: Thank you for sharing your feelings with me
OR
H: Hopefully one day we can work it out, for now you win. (a TM he sent after he was visiting the kids and decided he didn't like my response to a question...)
M: Sounds like things are challenging for you right now and I am sorry you feel that way.
H: Don t feel sorry for me! I feel sorry for you!
M: "No response"
Anyway, he wanted to "chat" today. About everything and nothing and fired a million questions at me, again I was listening/validating but avoiding answering directly any questions about divorce and what I wanted in terms of finances.
He became angry and I stood up and walked away... he asked where I was going and I replied he speaks to me calmly with respect or he dosen't speak to me. He calmed down and asked if I would continue chatting. I told him he knew the score and he agreed to being calm.
He then started crying, but blaming me for his woes and feelings.
I validated him and not sure if this was right or wrong - hugged him.
He then started talking to me about how I can be so sure about what I want (ie reconciling) when so much has happened.
I replied that it was simply how I felt/what I wanted. But I would fine with whatever happened because I can handle it. I will make the most of whatever comes my way.
He then starting turning towards me, telling me he loves me but is so hurt by everything.
We had a little chat, essentially I told him his actions have consequences good or bad. I didn't break him and I cant fix him, also if really loves me - its all of me, the bits he likes and the bits he dosen't. Not just until he decides he cant do it.
He spoke of loving me but i replied that i wanted commitment right now. Commitment to the process of reconciling, which included IC and MC and.... (this was new information I learnt last week) the married woman he was speaking to and had "feelings" for being cut out of his life.
And thats where he stopped, claimed she was a great support to him during a tough time, he was reluctant to cut her out, especially if things didn't work out between us because he was scared he would become suicidal again and she was the only one who could help him.
This was really hard for me. He understood my position but wished I understood his. I was clear and calm, she goes, there is NC, full transperency, committed to IC/MC or its not going to happen.
He agreed to it, but appeared to be really torn? hurt? confused? with cutting her off.
Now this is what I am worried about it.
What happens from here? I understand moving slowly, I understanding taking it easy, I understand he is not going to come around after one discussion to become the poster child of husbands. But how do I navigate these next steps without it blowing up in my face?
I am fully aware it can, almost even expecting it to or perhaps a better way to phrase it not caring if it does.
I guess it's all about his actions. Im concerned that this dance of back and forth keeps happening but I can see how I contributed to it by moving too quickly.
I for one, will be continuing my one week of 180's/GAL/validating and listening. If I can get to two, I will be a happy lass.
I also have a bunch of furniture that arrived which needs to be set up and a kitchen to paint.
First, Michka, please proceed with caution. There are lots of reasons why WASs lie about Ring. Most of the time it is because Plan A, OP, isn't solid yet. We used to have a saying around here: A monkey doesn't jump from the branch it is on until it identifies another branch that can support it. Lots of posters here have had false starts with R, and most of the time it is because they stop DBing once their LBS expresses interest in R.
Likely the loss of control over you is what is bringing this on. In my own sitch when I started DBing well, my W felt like she was losing me and suddenly started behaving like she wanted to be my W again. However, if I asked her directly, she'd always fall back to she wanted a D.
I am glad to hear you sticking to your requirements: "she goes, there is NC, full transperency, committed to IC/MC or its not going to happen. "
Do not back off of that. It will make you look weak and it will tell him that R to you is paramount to anything else he does. This will work against you. He is talking R because now he feels like you are moving forward without him. The minute you make him feel like you will R at all costs again, he will go back to where he was at before.
What happens here? You keep DBing! If he truly wants to R he will move mountains to do so, there will be no question. We have a saying around here: When they want to R you will know, when they don't you will be confused.
So how you navigate is to just keep on DBing. Don't stop what got you here. So many LBSs here "I want to R" and go all hog back into what they were doing before DBing. DBing got you here, DBing will be the thing that most likely will keep you where you are now.
I do have to say, it is a huge red flag that he brought up the OW and not wanting to remove her from his life. The fact that he even said that to you shows to me a lack of respect for you, and it may...MAY indicate that he is just buying time.
In short, continue DBing, and adhering to good DB principles: Do not start R talks. Keep GAL. Keep working on your own improvements, learn how to be properly and lovingly detached. Focus off of him and onto you. Sandi's rules. Etc.
WASs are like a cat. If you sit still and quiet and ignore them, they may come and jump up in your lap. The minute you get over exuberant, excited and reach out to them they will run the other way.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
