Help! Need Advice please Part 2

[may22]

Hi A,

Just want to give a slightly different opinion for you to take or leave. I don't agree that the only way back is to wait until your H is begging for another chance.

I don't think you should say you assumed it was for someone else. If he asks you directly I might say I was confused and didn't really want to talk about that. And AVOID an R talk then-- walk away, go do something else. Stay super busy around him so that it makes it harder for him to try to corner you into an R talk.

Remember he IS confused and spinning and he may not be a sociopath purposefully plotting to keep you hooked, but this behavior is basically temp checking and making sure you're still available to him. It really does you zero good at this point to reinforce him-- you'll only set yourself back. If you really feel you must respond, I'd consider just typing "ok" or a thumbs up emoji. A neutral response so he can't say you were rude for not responding, but not giving him any inkling what is going on in your head either.

My H used to say all kinds of $hit when we were in limbo, I was his best friend, we had to make this decision together, he wasn't sure he could do it (leave to go ride off into the sunset with AP), he was going to miss me, blah blah blah. I would say... I'm sure you do. I'm sure you will. I don't know what to say to that. (well I wanted to say you're being a total dumba$$, which I did say sometimes but tried to restrain myself). Not really validating. I was very matter of fact. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of agreeing with him on this one. If he wanted to leave, he had to do it himself like a big boy. I wasn't going to hold his hand through it, and I sure wasn't going to be his friend afterwards. I focused on my kids, exercise, friends, and did my very best to plan for a great future that didn't include him.

I think you're doing really well, Artemis. Keep it up. DO NOT WAVER-- I think it is pretty likely that he'll keep swinging back and forth for awhile, going from the "you're so awful I can't be married to you" to "I miss you and and I want to work on our M". Just keep trucking along and doing your thing. Let his crazy wash over you. You got this.

M

PS Re the affair... he may not be having a PA but he could be in an online emotional affair.