You are receiving some truly excellent advice. As one who lives and believes in the middle ground - all sides of an issue as valid - it is quite freeing and peaceful. Far too many people are extremely polarized and quite unable or unwilling to see or consider the other view. Strive for better not bitter.
Originally Posted by BL42
I know I'm not supposed to care at all about what my now ExW is doing…
This is not quite correct. Of course you are going to care. What you’re supposed to do is focus on yourself and your kids.
We cannot directly control our feelings - only influence them. Feelings are actually quite fleeting when not reinforced. You control your thoughts and actions and reactions. That’s it. Those three things are all that is in the realm of your direct control. Your feelings and beliefs are then influenced from those controlled thoughts and actions. Of course, external factors influence your feelings as well; we are discussing that which you can control and therefore alter.
That is how one alters their path. Finds their middle ground and peace. Mental assertiveness - sword and shield (if you’ve read my posts ) - influences your beliefs and values and feelings. Controlling what you can leads to detachment, letting go, and such.
A word on indifference:
The “not supposed to care” is a heading one is temporarily on. We learn detachment; the ending of being dragged around by our spouse’s behaviour, actions, and words. We regain “control” (lol, influence remember) of our feelings and emotions. We then find indifference and the peace it brings.
Indifference is a temporary state. It is the absence or muting of your feelings towards your spouse. This is a weird landscape. That void causes other feelings to loom larger than they really are. Nature abhors a vacuum and your feelings will grow to fill it. Many different emotions will seem and feel very strong and therefore real. Infatuation and temptation is one of the cautions this is specifically direct towards. Our feelings are real; and temporary.
Do not make life altering decisions based upon feelings. Indifference does fade and our feelings do return. Something to consider.
While the noise and commotion of one’s spouse is muted and pretty much absent, use that time wisely. Seek your internal self. Discover your beliefs, values, and convictions. Strengthen those beliefs that serve you. Craft values that you aspire to. Alter or discard those that do not serve the life you want. Discovering our beliefs and altering them is a key step to peace and contentment.
Beliefs are not directly controllable either. Like feelings they are influenced. However, beliefs are slow to change. It is the slow change which make them excellent headings for one’s life. Once you have organized and sorted our your convictions - live them. Feeling are fleeting. Thoughts come and go. Follow your beliefs.
Back to your quote. It is alright to care. It is alright to not care. And then it is alright to care again.
Not caring is different than uncaring.
From a guy a bit further down the path. I still care for my XW. Heck, I still love her. And I’ve forgiven her.
It takes a certain amount of understanding to let go. With understanding comes compassion. Compassion leads to empathy. With understanding, compassion, empathy, and a life of kindness and gentleness comes acceptance and eventually forgiveness. Although I do at times think maybe forgiveness needs to come before true acceptance.
At any rate, forgiving requires one to not be indifferent. Oh, the counter-intuitiveness of this path.
One cannot forgive when one doesn’t feel anything towards the other. Without feelings there is no need to forgive. No actually ability to forgive. I think this to be the biggest huddle for most folks - their working to remain indifferent and not caring.
I get it. The peace from feeling nothing is so welcomed after that ceaseless horrible pain. There is a valid concern of reentering that world again. Thing is, indifference is a skill. One can lessen it and one can strengthen it. We control ourselves. And we influence ourselves. Indifferent is a feeling (lack of feeling) which is affected and influenced by us. It can be turned on and off rather quickly as it turns out.
As indifference melts away and our feelings return, those beliefs will kick in. Hopefully one has organized them well. Some of the common societal values I believe need to be altered - vengeance, punishment, justice, restitution, and such.
We all feel and believe in the justified punishment of the bad guy. Heck, I too cheer when in the movie the bad guy finally gets his comeuppance. I also enjoy watching videos of bad guys getting caught as much as the next person. Our values need altering. And our focus.
It is not our place to dish out justice in our situations. If/when you stand in the middle ground, you will see and understand the other side. Nothing is as straightforward as it appears. No one know all ends, so serving justice is best left to God or fate or karma.
Likewise our belief or need for vengeance or restitution or punishment. These are ego driven. Our need to be right. Another belief we need to alter somewhat. There is definitely a place and time for our ego in our lives; although here it is rather bruised and hurt, and we therefore want to lash out. Let go and seek better.
Hope you have a wonderful Sunday
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
) - influences your beliefs and values and feelings. Controlling what you can leads to detachment, letting go, and such.
