Picking Up the Pieces After WAW Goes Again #2

[smilie]

I never thought that I could ever stop loving her. Even when she left I still loved her, but now I found out what she's been up to and been planning on leaving me penniless and not caring anything about it, those feelings are gone and it's left a huge gaping hole.

Smilie, you may find your love for her again when you're past the angry/demonizing phase.

I'm sure it's there somewhere between the hopelessness and loneliness. If I think of her how she was - how we were - I can still feel a bit of it in that moment. The question is, could I love her again - would I want to love her again? She has broken my heart as much as it can be and the worst it has ever felt in my entire life and for some reason she keeps digging that knife in further at every given opportunity, fighting against everything so that the courts need to decide, because in true style for her, she can't. She could never make a decision and always looked to me to be the one to decide - so who's making the decisions that she seems to be making now? Perhaps she is and that's why all she's got is lies to pin up her side of the argument. It is plain to see in everything written by her lawyer. I has to come crashing down around her as lies are not truth, so then what? More lashing out at me, more digging that knife in further to push responsibility on to me? Will she rewrite history and turn me in to some violent drunk of a husband who was always shouting at her and degrading her? Or will it be something else, anything else to take focus off her?

I am convinced but I'm probably wrong...but I don't think I am you know. I was waiting ..

Demon or not demon, it's over now, so no more waiting? (:
Is this the person she really is or is this the person she has become for some particular reason or under the influence of another? It's soul destroying just thinking that I no longer know who she is and I have never witnessed this before in her not to any degree. I won't wait for anything any longer. Truth be told (and you all probably know this anyway as I seem to be able to be read like a book), I have been waiting to see if she got in contact, hoping that she would. But I know that she won't give up the lifestyle she now has to come back to the crap one we had. Although I would like to think that she would come back to the person who the person who she knew really loved her, would do anything for her and the person that would give their life for her in a split second.

In any event, whatever daily loving acts you were doing for her, now do for yourself. E.g., cook yourself gourmet meals. That's how you fill the gap. You redirect the love elsewhere. You could also do random acts of kindness.

It's as much as I can do at the moment to cook basic meals, I can't concentrate on anything else. My focus is on finding a place to live and I don't know why it seems so hard. It's because I don't know the areas and not sure where would be best for me and I haven't got the time to go and look around them with such little time. I am worried about this that it is on my mind all day long. She will probably cancel the internet here anytime instead of just allowing me to change to my bank details. She has been asked by my lawyer to supply online account logins so I can do just that and she has ignored that request. It's in the hands of the courts now.

So, I'm aware that I'm waffling. I typed some of my journal yesterday. I sat in the pub as it was cool in there and type up what had been going on to get it out of my head. I started writing it at the start of all this, but for some reason I stopped for a couple of weeks. There is lots to do to fill in the gaps. It was a good distraction, but I'm still on my own down there. People are strange and just keep themselves to themselves. The world has change over the past few months, people have changed.

However! I SHALL take your advice. I need to cook a few meals as I have to use the food in the freezer before I move. I have to go through the recipes for the slow cooker and find a couple of nice ones. this is all I can do at the moment. My concentration span is about 10 minutes and I'm forcing myself to push through that, but it's hard. The only time I can spend more than that seems to be when I'm typing here, or my journal, or approving documents for my lawyer. I can't eat too much as I feel sick the entire time and I can't stomach much. It's just a shame there wasn't a DB video chat function, wouldn't need to type so much.

I get what you are saying though, and sorry for the long response, I need to spend some more time focusing on me and I am doing that, but not taking the time to enjoy anything. The best thing I can do for me is to go and sit in the park and read a book for an hour or so. I did this last evening and got some chips. I mowed the lawn also and saw all the vegetables that I planted all passed their best now. What was the point of maintaining these when I have to leave? What was the point in growing them all in the first place? Why did she let me do that when she knew she was going all along? It was a total waste of money and waste of time. Before I did that, I discussed with her whether we wold be here for another year, otherwise it would be a waste of time. She said that we would. It is all heartbreaking as all the work I put into that was for us and a few short weeks later she was gone.

Onwards and upwards though! I know you will say that I am focusing on her still and trying to make sense of this, but I don't feel that I am. I just look at the things I have done this year to make a better life for us, save some money by growing our own food and do something more to contribute. It seems like it was all for nothing and just a distraction while she was stealing the money and planning to leave anyway.