I've gone downhill fairly fast today and feel totally fed up and bordering on panic feelings again. I never thought that I could ever stop loving her. Even when she left I still loved her, but now I found out what she's been up to and been planning on leaving me penniless and not caring anything about it, those feelings are gone and it's left a huge gaping hole.
I will get over this and become stronger I know I will, but it's always a struggle. If I had the money that got stolen from me, then that would make my next steps much easier. But it's like castrating a dog and expecting it to still be able to impregnate and b!tch - it just ain't gonna happen. Take all the money then expect me to find another place to live and fund the removal process also.
We have spoken before about covert narcissism and I was assured that my wife wasn't a narcissist. But what I have been sharing here about how my wife thought the ideas for income streams we good and spent hours talking about them with me only disregard them, is exactly what a covert narcissist does. That's exactly what she used to do - the jury is still out on this one. I feel that this is the truth as I have lived it, seen it and experienced it for myself. I always got the feeling when I had a vertigo attack that she wasn't really bothered. Even though she used to comfort me a bit, she never really used to 'comfort' me, if you see what I mean. I have always felt that I have been alone but with her present.
Also sex. A narcissist will approach you for sex on their terms and give signals if they didn't want your advances. Again, exactly the same. She used to grab her Kindle while getting in to bed and the only times she wanted sex was when she wanted a cuddle. Over time cuddle = sex, whereas before this it was nice just to have a cuddle and drift off to sleep.
That's just my thoughts.......
I agree that her character is lacking integrity, honesty and empathy. Taking somebody you know intimately and have been sharing a bed with for 19+ years and then just sh!t on them from a great height and purposely try to grind them into the ground via their solicitor. I know I shouldn't wonder, but I do. I wonder if she is worried that I'm on to her, that her credibility with her work colleague may get slightly damaged when she uncovers her activity, or if she simply doesn't care? I do wonder that, because if I was on the receiving end of the filing that my lawyer put in to the court that laid everything out bit by bit and in perfect order, I wold be extremely worried. But I digress....
Thrive! Yeah that's what I intend to do. I have to change my mindset at the moment as I'm worried about running out of money or choosing the wrong place to live. I suppose that's tough and I need to make the best out of wherever I move to. I know that if I was in the US I'd grab an RV and live in that, go wandering around the US (if you still can - head down to Texas!). Here I could do the same but the country is much smaller, which is a shame. The stbxw and I were looking at getting a motorhome and going touring around europe. Again she was all up for it but then nothing. Good job we didn't though as the borders closed up!!
Creating and income is going to be the big one for me and something that I am both looking forward to and dreading at the same time, simply because of the timescales, money runs out when you don't top it up, but then that could be the "timer to success". I do hate this feeling of having to start again from scratch at 55, I suppose that is a fear. The good thing is though that I have nobody holding me back now, only me. Whereas before I was waiting for the wife to work with me all the time, but she wouldn't - she disregarded things, like a narcissist.
I am convinced but I'm probably wrong...but I don't think I am you know.
I've got another 40 houses to investigate tomorrow. It's supposed to be hot here all day so I'll stay inside and do that, then I can call the agents on Monday. I feel so overwhelmed with it all. The wife said in her letter from her lawyer to mine, that I should have started looking for a cheaper place to live from the day she left and that I had had plenty of time to find somewhere. Nice. That narcissistic thinking again - I'm sure I'm wrong.
Originally Posted by Thornton
The others are right, face your reality, and use it as fuel to move forward. You will probably vacillate between sadness and anger for some time, so expect that to happen.
Exactly this! I am using it as fuel, I did yesterday and yes I'm sad and overwhelmed today. But the good thing is, even though I still feel slightly panicky, my body hasn't shaked or trembled for almost 2 days now, whereas before I have been shaking and trembling since the day before she left, why? This is only since I have found out about the money that was stolen - this means I have had a mindset shift at some level. Gotta be good, right?
Thank you all for your encouragement, it means a lot.
I shall see if I can stomach watching Sex/Lives now, give me something else to chat about maybe!
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
