As a stepmother, a stepchild, the mother of a child with a step parent, as well as the friend of many many people in many iterations of the blended family listen to what LH says. There is a middle ground. Finding the healthiest middle ground you can is where you need to be.
Every step parent isn't a winner. Trust me. I had basically one step away from the worst of the worst. But if you make that relationship about you and your feelings you have the potential to ruin something really great for your kids. Sometimes that OM is the voice of reason in that household. Sometimes that OM is a 3rd parent you didn't know you needed. I will add to what LH has to say as keep an eye on things because that makes you a good parent, but keep your mouth shut about OM unless you absolutely feel it's necessary because you don't want to be the boy who cried wolf. Or the bitter ex who has nothing better to do than make their kids' lives harder by putting their bitterness right in the center of every family interaction.
My H's ex ignores and refutes every thing I've done and do for D17. Including the year she lived with us full time, full time where she went by her mom's only every other weekend and only for one night. I took on a lot of their parental responsibilities over the years including but not limited to: helping the poor girl when she got her first period at her dad's because her mom wouldn't answer her phone (her dad and I had only began seriously dating the month before), fighting for an IEP to help her with her reading, the birds and the bees talk because neither parent wanted to do it, buying school supplies every year since her dad and I moved in together, buying every dress for every dance since 8th grade, helping her bathe when she broke her arm, taking care of her when she's sick, yelling at her to brush her teeth, providing her health and dental insurance, etc, etc, etc,. Every other week I have to dive in head first to a kid who was poisoned for a week about our entire household. And every other week I wonder if it's ever going to stop because it's exhausting. But I won't speak ill of her mother because I refuse to contribute to the problem. I fully expect some day there will be a wedding I help plan and pay for that I will be uninvited to to make my H's ex happy. And I'll do so quietly and ask my H to keep his mouth shut too so D17 can have the best day possible.
My H and his ex have been split up since D17 was 4. H and I started dating when D17 was 9. The ink was still wet on my D papers when H and I started dating. My exH treats my H, who is probably more of a dad than my ex ever was, with the utmost respect. My H and I sat next to each other at our D's high school graduation and joked and had a nice conversation. My daughter talks often about including them both in her wedding some day. She isn't doing it because he dad even deserves that spot, because I don't know that he does deserve equal credit with my H since my ex's parents were more co-parents than he was but because h and exH are civil and even kind to one another she doesn't question including them both. It isn't simply about who the bride felt was there for them. It's also about how much drama comes with that decision. More often than not if you're the parent who can't find a way to be in the room with their ex and their ex's new spouse you will be the parent with the limited responsibility and face time in a wedding. D18 has said if exH and H were dramatic the way a friend of her's are she would have me fill all the traditional father of the bride duties.
The deal is don't be my H's ex. It's only going to hurt your kids. If you can find that middle space LH is talking about it's the best outcome for all of you.
