Smilie, I don't want this to sound harsh, but I am going to be direct. You are holding a pity party for yourself and being a victim. This is fine at first, I am sure we all did it, I know I did. But continuing to do this brings many problems, you will forever feel stuck and bitter, people will not want to be around you, it is unattractive and most importantly you will not be able to go out and create an awesome life better than the one you've been living so far.
Thank you for being honest (that's what I like) and sharing what you see in me. I don't see that I am 'playing' a victim and perhaps it's because I'm stuck in it? I am the victim of some kind of financial deceit and my wife left in the most sudden way leaving me destitute financially and causing all kinds of issues for me because of that, things that I haven't even posted on here. The entire thing has been clearly planned and co-ordinated. I am a victim of what seems like a confidence scheme/trick, but I suppose you are saying that I don't need to act like a victim? It's so difficult knowing that all the money we saved got stolen unfairly and it makes it easier to let go to a certain extent, although I would like to know her reasons that she thought that she had to do that.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Don't get me wrong, this process takes a long time. I am 13 months post the height of it and I still struggle sometimes, I imagine it will probably take another year to feel totally myself again. Sooner or later Smilie, you need to stop asking why, stop demonising her, stop the "woe is me" and start building the new life.
Wow! I have a long way to go then, just 8 weeks this Sunday-Tuesday for me. It's the financial stuff that's really got to me and how she was prepared to do such a horrible thing. Am I really "woe-ing?", crikey I feel so stupid. How can you turn off when it's so raw? It wouldn't be so bad if it was just her leaving to deal with, but I have an entire mountain of stuff to deal with and it's like having a full-time job. Half of it is discovery work.. example:
I have been worrying that the stbw could terminate the phone/internet service without notice, just like she did with the rent. So I decided to call the phone company to see if I could find out if there was anything on the account for the service to be terminated. He couldn't tell me. Even though I was named on the account and was calling from the phone number, because I couldn't pass the security questions they wanted (such as password characters, account number endings and sort codes numbers) I couldn't find out. I wasn't able to talk to a senior manager as I couldn't get through the security questions and my wife would get a notification to her email saying that security questions failed, as well as an alert on the account.
I spent ages speaking with him about the situation and he could do nothing apart from stop the email notification. So if the service is terminated, then it will take 10 days to reconnect with a new contract term - which is stupid seeing as I won't be here that long. If I lose access to the Internet, then I can't find a place to live, access my bank, etc, etc, etc.
^^^-This is just one example. Everything is in her name.
My stbxw was asked by my lawyer to supply online account information, just for this purpose. She hasn't done so. I am totally 100% at the the whim of her thoughts/emotions/actions.
I can then safely say that I'm not trying to control everything. I certainly am not trying to control my wife and I never have tried to do that.
My fear is that I am not in control of anything and feel up-ended. I need to be in control of finding a place to live, securing internet and phone services and mobile phone, from the clutches of my wife. What I fear is the fact that somebody else has full control over me and I have none apart from my thoughts and actions.
It feel that I have not only surrendered my control to her, I have also surrendered my emotions and my soul.
All the examples in that post about fear do not apply for me. I have done a heap of fear work over the years and I don't really fear what people think of me, I would not, not act out of fear. I would not, not say anything out of fear. I may be missing something obvious here. I tend to feel any fear and then go and do stuff anyway, I never run from it and will always speak up. I am a firm believer that if I speak with an open heart and say what is true for me and I'm not being offensive or rude, then however my communication is taken by the other person is their interpretation and not my responsibility. I will always step up and speak my truth, even if I'm in emotional turmoil inside and risk the other person walking out on me and ending the relationship. I needed to say what I said and so I did. I would never sit on it and become bitter and resentful.
I'm harping on a bit. I shall read some more of that thread - it is quite long, but I'm not afraid of speaking up - I used to be but I've been honest for years, decades, and that's the thing that a few people don't like about me. They want me to make sure that they way they interpret my communication to them, doesn't make them feel bad and that's impossible as it's them doing the interpretting through their perceptual filters.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
