Okay so I'll start my replying then I have to explain something that happened last night.
First I actually know for a fact they are just friends because I actually know the woman hes talking to as friends. I think somewhere along the way this got lost in translation, maybe I didnt word things correctly and I apologize for this miscommunication as it seems to be the one constant here
Anyways so last night was a very turbulent night. To start off with my H asked me if I had thought about the Separation, I told him I hadnt had much time and I didn't really want it so he would have to figure it out. He looked confused so I asked him "Do you still want a separation? And he said " I dont know what I want anymore, I'm so confused" so I asked him if he wanted to take time to think and he said yes. And that was the end of that.
Later that night my husband had gotten sick and was throwing up in our bathroom, now I couldnt help but come in to check on him and see if he needed anything. After staying in there with him for a bit and he was better, my emotions were gwtting the better of me so I excused myself and went to another room to gather myself. My H came after me after a bit and found me crying. I asked him if he would let me be and he said he didnt want me to be upset and wanted to help. I told him I was emotional and didnt want to talk about it as I didnt want to burden him etc. (I was trying hard not to say what I wanted to say as is suggested here alot) but he kept insisting and thanks to no sleep and my emotional state I told him pretty much just how hard the situation was as I want to be his wife and to take care of him when hes sick but that he wants to fire me from this job and its hard for me. He then said "I do want you as my wife, I'm sorry I'm done with alk this stuff, I want to work on our marriage and be together" Obviously hearing this I was taken back and cautious I told him that he shouldnt say this just because I was upset or because I just took care of him while he was sick, that he shouldnt say it unless he meant it, he swore he did. Then he hugged me and after about a minute he pulled back and said "I'm still so conflicted and confused, I love you and I do want to fix this but I'm just so confused" I said so you didnt fully mean what you said that your ready to work on this completely and he said "part of me really does, I even talk to (his friend) about it today, but I'm so conflicted and I want to be honest with you, I'm sorry." I told him that "I appreciate your courage in telling me all of this, I know your confused and I know it was hard for you to say part of you wanted to try and probably even harder to say your still too confused to say that your ready for sure right now, do you want to talk more about it right now or do you want time to think?" He said he needed time. And we left things on a good note with that.
I'm pretty low today now, I haven't slept and I'm very emotional. I'm working a 15 hour shift today which isn't helping too much. Anyways I was aware that this is an emotional roller coaster, everyone says that the WAS will go back and forth so last night when he first said he wanted to fix us I was trying not to take it too completely to heart, but still hearing him say it then take it back at least a bit to where he wasnt ready to commit to it was hard to take anyways. The fact that he told me these things and was honest with me like that shows progress so I'm going to take that victory. I'm going to keep doing the DBing. I wanted to share this though.
