Advice Help Only Please

[BL42]

Artemis1,

My H told me he isnt sleeping with anyone else and that he is talking to a woman but only as a friend for the time being. We are separated and as the book says I am not going to focus on the OW at all if thats what it is. And yes i do believe my H completely on the subject, when he cheated last time i knew it in my guy, my gut has never once been wrong and my gut is telling me to trust him. As Michele wrote in Divorce Remedy, "Trust you instincts. Dont let anyone else tell you what to do. If your not ready to give up on your marriage, Keep Fighting."

And as for the OW situation, I believe him because I am trusting my gut, and I can't really describe it more then that, I just know it to be true, also in DR when Michele discusses Infidelity and when the spouse wont give up OW and wants divorce, its said to pretty much forget the OW because it wont help my marriage. I have read stories of women who's husband left them for OW and they DB'D and ended up saving their marriage, I have faith because of these stories and because of the years of experience and the faith I have in my relationship. I am not saying part of me hasn't been angry at my H or that it hasn't been incredibly painful. But I don't believe infidelity has to be the death of my marriage, I believe we can get through this and have a very happy Marriage, and sometimes there aren't words to explain why that is, its simply my gut and my faith.

I know you want to say that you trust he's talking to women as a friend. Please understand this isn't negativity this is something we've seen 1000 times here. Those women aren't his friends. He cheated on you. He acknowledged cheating on you his job is to make you feel comfortable not himself. If he truly wanted to work on the MR he wouldn't have female friends running around.

I knew my ExW was having an EA (and quickly confirmed PA). I mean I have hard evidence of it. I absolutely knew for a fact. I confronted her several times about it over a couple months, slowly showing her more of my cards and each time giving her the opportunity to come clean about it. (Btw, this is not the approach people on here would recommend and I did this before finding the forum). Each time she would look me in the eyes and point blank/flat out lie to face denying as much as she could. And, I knew based on my snooping she always got off on lying to me and being secretive. My point is, based on what you've presented here despite what your husband is telling you he's almost certainly having an affair with this woman. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's a 99% probability based on all the experience people have here with these situations. It doesn't mean you can't stand for your marriage, forgive him, and maybe work it out...but brace yourself for that eventual truth.

I officially am not sleeping in bed with him anymore or having sex

Good! Stand up for yourself.

So thats what im going to do. I do know my husband and we are still best friends.... For now I am trying to just be his friend, and think of him that way, last night he told me I am his very best friend and he doesn't want to lose that, and that he loves me very much. Yesterday I was in the town where he works as a cop as I had errands, etc. I had to do. And he came and found me 3 times just to talk, we didn't discuss the relationship at all, just discussed work and all kinds of different topics just like good friends would. I never sought him out, he always sought me out

Also if he fired you as his wife he's not entitled to you as his best friend. Cheating and asking for a divorce is firing you as his wife. So if you aren't his wife, so much so he can just chat with other ladies when ever then he doesn't get the privileges of you being his best friend either. That's a wife's job.

Would friends, let alone best friends, treat each other the way your husband is treating you now? If he's going to cheat on you and divorce you, do you really want to remain friends afterwards? This seems like a act of fear, not strength. Maybe it's time to give husband a preview of what losing his W/best friend looks like. Most on here would tell you to treat him as you would a cashier at the grocery store - be polite and pleasant in encounters but also brief and don't overshare, and then go on with your life.

It's important that you are honest with yourself or your situation will never change.

You want the best shot at getting your H back (and faithful)? Bare with me, I'm going to be blunt.

You stop putting up with his bullsh!t and start respecting yourself. People can't love people they don't respect, and your H does not respect you. There are zero consequences to his behavior. Why would he stop talking to and having sex with other women? There's no reason to.
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Being his "friend" will not work, Artemis. Being a friend enables his behavior and provides him with a very solid Plan B. It will also make him drag things out so he has time to sleep with as many women as possible. Be his friend and watch this drag out for months if not years.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I felt it was important to not blow smoke up your a$$.

^^^THIS!!!

1. Almost everyone here does not take the advice given to them when they first arrive.
2. Almost everyone here regrets not taking the advice given to them when they first arrived.

^^^THIS!!! I ABSOLUTELY wish I had be stronger initially and stood up right away to what ExW was doing. Not sure it would've had a different outcome, but definitely think it would've helped me heal/process sooner, and maybe ExW respect me more. It's time to dig down and get strong and stand up for yourself. If you don't it's likely in the near future you'll wish you did.

Artemis1 - Sorry if I'm a little behind here. Just read through your entire thread and pulled some things out. The good news is you have some FANTASTIC feedback - maybe more than I've seen on here in quote awhile - at least a dozen expert board posters in a short period of time. My guess is it's also a bit overwhelming, but as your sitch progresses read back through what people wrote so you can process it again.

My biggest overall takeaway from your thread so far is that you need to get strong and stand up for yourself. STOP believing his lies, stop being his best friend. START acting as if YOU are the catch and HE is going to lose you. It's not about discarding your marriage, it's the best way to make yourself attractive to other people (including your H). Start working out, buy some new clothes, go out and do some new activities/hobbies, make new friends...etc. The point of DB here is to work on yourself and make yourself the best you can be, and maybe it'll lead to your spouse coming around, but if it doesn't...you'll be a better you regardless of what happens.