Yeah I think I really need to detach better. I was for a short time I think but when he started to talk of reconciling and missing me. I think I should have waited longer perhaps? I dont know. The DB coach was recommending I turn towards him... to be "softer". I tried that but it seems it was a temporary fix on reflection.
I think in terms of standing I need to stand back a bit further. Space is something he hasn't had enough of. I feel he needs to work out his own issues before we can work on us.
I have read through your journey, you are inspiring to say the least WF!
Detachment is a process....not a destination. Just keep working at it. One thing that helped me so much was to study "self-differentiation in marriage". Differentiation is very similar to what we talk about here as being lovingly detached. At its root level it is about being happy and fulfilled regardless of what those around you are saying and doing. It is a very good place to be in life!
Being softer doesn't mean you stop DBing! So many LBSs think that DBing and then being available or there for your WAS are at odds. They are not. In my own sitch even though I was starting to really hit my stride on DBing principles, I still was open to helping her. I tell the story all the time of when she came to me wanting help with her resume and wanted to buy interviewing books. (Remember, she wanted to get a job, get an apartment and get a D!) I told her I was willing to help, and that she could buy whatever she wanted that she thought she needed. Was that soft towards her? You betcha. But it was also a 180 for me, and it was being lovingly detached. I approached it as if I was helping a friend with their job search.
Originally Posted by Michka
Steve... the date is somewhat final.... I have a standing appointment with my lawyer to meet again to initiate divorce proceedings in Jan unless he hears otherwise.
We will see, right now he is in one of his "I hate the world and it's all your fault". I have informed him I will not be engaging with him. He has been temp checking with me but unless its to do with the kids or important I am not responding.
I feel that while I am not lovingly detaching from him, nor can I afford to engage with him in useless arguments.
It's amazing that a grown, intelligent man can be so bloody stupid. Is this common of WAS's?
WASs, and WSs in particular run on pure emotion. Logic and intelligence go out the window in favor of feeling and want. In my sitch my W, even though we have a child, thought we could get a quicky, lawyerless $400 online D. When I told her that was not possible in our state with a child involved, she didn't believe me. Snooping later I saw she had looked up D procedures in our state. And it was a long, drawn out process when kids were involved. Her delusional quick and easy D bubble was burst. She never really brought up D after that. She still wanted out but the process took too much brain power now that she knew the quick route was not an option. This is typical WAS/WS behavior! They are like electricity, always looking for the path of least resistance!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
