My Story P2...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

In all honesty DnJ, do you think he is still running? Since he is away to another country again all by himself, still drinking a lot (less but still enough), connecting with his father and the children a bit more but not as it should be... I guess he is still running.
Or I will formulate it differently, if they are in the stages of depression, withdrawal, acceptance, is running still present as well?

The stages of MLC or life transition are rather nebulous. They do not have well defined boundaries or delimitations. Each can bleed into another. One is not completely done with running then off to withdrawal. No, the stages are not linear, nor in a specific order; they can be repeated, and several can be experienced simultaneously.

A bit of clarification regarding simultaneously. Like us processing our grief, different aspects get processed at different speeds. One can be accepting of one thing, be angry of something else, be depressed over another thing, and still denying yet other stuff. However, whatever one’s focus is upon is mostly the stage they are within at that moment. Then their focus shifts and so does their grief. We all know that yo-yo and backsliding until we finally get more centered and find our footing.

A MLCer while within a particular stage - is where they are at that moment. A while later they will feel differently and perhaps be more depressed or withdrawal more or run more. A crisis is much worse than grief. The person in crisis feels way to much and nothing at all. Their emotions are a tangled stalemate of pain and torment. It takes lots of time to unknot that messy web and find their way out.

So, is H still running? Yes and no.

H at times is awakening. He then gets spooked and runs. Other times he is depressed. Other times he is back in running from his emotions. Therefore, yes, running is present in those stages. Although it is more precisely jumping from one stage to another, IMHO.

Dig deep Eagle and be patient, H is making progress.

I assume you have read already so many story’s here you will be able “to compare” a bit. You can tell me the honest truth. I can handle it

I love seeing your strength. Yes you can handle it. And yes I do tell the truth.

No two people are exactly the same. There are similarities in predicted outcomes and behaviours, however MLC is quite the irrational journey and there are plenty of variables.

In truth, I believe H to be experiencing some awakening. He then retreats again. That is quite normal and expected actually. As I stated in the last post, this is a precarious time for H and his psyche and emotional state. Fate, karma, life - all play their parts in H’s journey. There is such a multitude of inputs it is impossible to know what will do what. And of course there is us. It doesn’t take too strong an imagination to see what H’s reaction would be to you or someone else berating or yelling at him. Just imagine if one were to tear a strip off him and really give it to him over his terrible behaviours. Yeah, he’d bolt in the other direction; and quick!

Precarious. And rather breakable. In complete honest. We LBS need to really be patient and not pressure. To hold our tongues and have faith that a time will come when we can asks those questions and get those answers we so seek. Funny thing is, those questions do lose there importance after a while. The need for answers kind of evaporates.

It comes down to you. To what you can control - you. Live by those values you hold dear. If you do that, no matter what happens with H, you will be ok and have far less regrets if things don’t reconcile. Stand for you!

H is finding his way. Be a beacon. For him. For yourself. For your kids. Uphold your values. Lead by example.

I have patience and I'm giving space as needed. I live my life to the fullest, so that is all working now but I must admit that I still think of him a lot and worry quite often. I assume this is called love…
But to reach the point where you pass by their house and forget to have a peek, as you experienced last week, wow,…this would definitely not work for me yet…I guess this is called “full” detachment.
And yet, you still love your EXW, you still stand in a fantastic way.

Love.

One of the incredible gifts of this incredible journey is the blessings one can have bestowed. One can really learn what it is to love.

Love, forgiveness, compassion, integrity, honour, loyalty, faith, trustworthy, and so on. Much much more than words. The depth that one finds in such tenets is truly a blessing.

I wrote a bit regarding “full” detachment on 97Hope’s thread. Detachment and indifferent are not an all the time thing. Sure one isn’t dragged around, and one can at times be rather bland towards our ex or spouse. Realize that being not caring is different than being uncaring. Indifference is not a permanent state. We find our way to let go and care at the same time. (Rather counterintuitive sounding I bet.)

I forgot to ask something. Can't seem to figure out why this is. On Saturday, when he was here, my FIL and BIL came over for dinner. It was then he started talking about his Mother in a really bad way. But the next day he talks about his M like nothing happened and she even brought him to the airport a few days later and they went to have dinner first, just the two of them.
So he is not mentioning anything to her. Why is that?

A good observation and excellent question.

Almost all people have difficulty facing or telling someone about something that that person is doing that is bothering them. Lots of people we tell others. Gossip and b!tch about the other person yet never speak to them. Ha, how is anything ever going to get better that way. Right?

H talked about his mom to FIL and BIL. They probably brought up stuff as well, I’d guess. People do acquire those who listen and reinforce their side or views.

Dig a little deeper. People know, even if it is unrealized, that when they have a problem with someone, they are also partly to blame. One feels how they feel because of themselves. No one can make anyone feel a certain way. We can barely control our own feelings never mind control someone else’s. Influence is all we can exert.

Recall me not getting selected for the supervisor position. My feelings were mine. I exacerbated things with my new boss to further my justifications; all as I processed through my change and acceptance. Lol. Change management course. Interesting to watch one’s self. Anyhow…

If H were to tell Mom, he’d need to see and accept his part. That is quite difficult for him currently. MLC and all. His talking about it with two dudes keeps himself blame-free more or less. And talking about it is healthy. It’s a step along the path.

The next day, like nothing was even said. She is his Mom. Takes a while to stand up and face the authority figure from one’s past. Even if it is just emotionally and internally. H doesn’t necessarily need to actually have it out with her.

You know how anxious and difficult speaking to her can be. And the boundaries one places.

There's something else I wanted to share with you..., something I had on my my mind for a very long time but I was to anxious to take the step, now I finally did:

I had a difficult conversation with my MIL a few weeks ago.
I already mentioned that she is the biggest cause from his past as to why he is going through this crisis now.
(both my FIL's are convinced of this as well)

kml recommended the book about sociopaths and I started reading it.
Well, I totally recognize his mother in this.

The story in short:
I knew for several months already from my BIL and SIL that she could say very ugly things about me.
She even said that it must be me as to why this is all happening with him, also that I was mainly with him for the money etc.
You need to know that I've done a lot for her over the years. She is single (2x married, 2x divorced, and treated both her husbands very badly), but I was always there to take care of her when she had an accident, ill from COVID etc, and most important, she was always welcome at my house until a few weeks ago. She even came on a weekly basis...

I would assume that when you realize the pain you are feeling all these years already is caused by that one person who should always have to be there for you, you would at least talk to them about it or ban them from your life, no?

The problem is the pain hasn’t been felt all these years. It was buried. Unfelt. Unrealized.

It is now uncovered and being felt. Those demons will no longer be denied.

Talking to his Mom. Difficult. And for the crisis person they are still figuring out what is wrong. Remember they destroyed their own life, their very identity, in an effort to run from the uncovered pain and trauma(s). We can’t expect rational actions; this path is an irrational journey.

Being Mom on top of all that. Yeah, that a tough pill to swallow. Mom, that one person that is supposed to love you and be there for you no matter what. I can speak to that from a Dad’s point of view with hurt children.

My four children were thrown away from the very woman who should have loved them more than life itself. Betrayed. Shunned. Unloved. What a horrible and terrible thing to experience. I witnessed their lives change and their once loving Mom destroy everything.

Mom would not talk about it. I suspect H’s Mom back during her two divorces similarly would not speak about it. Talking and acknowledging would necessitate owning her part of it. Most likely easier to just blame and move on. Just like my XW did to me and to my kids.

Should my kids ban her from their lives. No. That is a path that leads to regret.

True all four are at different points along the path of allowing her access to them and their life. S20 is the most closed off. And Mom isn’t very stable nor reaching out much either. So there is very little interaction for any of them

Still, banning or such. Being busy and living a full happy life is different than banning someone. Also, Mom would be welcome; XW not so much. Mom and the alien she became are two different people.

We only can control ourselves. I’ve inspired. Lead my children through h3ll. They’ve had anger, depression, bargaining, and now mostly acceptance. Understanding and compassion. Empathy. Boundaries. Values. Beliefs. Faith. Forgiveness.

All this is something that MLCers do not get. Their pain and shame and blame and guilt gets internalized and buried unreconciled and unrealized. And believe me, kids blame themselves for the actions of their Mom.

My kids thought and started to believe that they “caused” Mom to do what she did. Oh, the open honest discussion we all had. Nonjudgemental and factual. Control. Choice. Cheating. Etc. So many items to discuss.

I’ve done pretty well. All the kids are doing great. We, left behind spouse, the strong stable parent; we become better not bitter. And as such, the children do as well.

My XW had a Mom that threw her away. Her Dad was like her Mom. Both parents threw her to the side. My darling W was unfortunate to have not even one strong stable parent.

Our wisdom is hard earned. There is such pain. And in that, there is growth. Give that wisdom freely and openly. Especially to your children. I stopped MLC in this generation! (I hope and pray.)

My children have grown through all this. They are happy and have good strong morals and values. And as much as they do not condone Mom’s action and choices, they do forgive her.

So no, in my honest view the quote is incorrect. Either of those would be an unwise and unrealistic course of action. She is after all his Mom. And H is Dad to your kids.

It falls to you, the strong stable parent to lead and inspire. Consider a better message than banning or confronting Dad. Lead them to understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness.

D