Wolfman moving forward

[Dawn70]

CW makes some excellent points!

I don't tend to go in for those tv psychologists because I think they are more about the show than the actual practice, but I occasionally watch Dr. Phil and he sometimes says stuff that resonates with me. 3 things that he says all the time that pop into my head every time I read your posts are: people either get it or they don't; don't involve children in adult things (meaning situations, decisions, discussions); and do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

So, people either get it or they don't: that one seems pretty self explanatory. People have told you on here repeatedly that you can only control what YOU do and not what your XW does. They've also repeatedly told you to follow the court orders you have and to document, document, document. And, many have mentioned that in order to make your situation better you are going to have to learn how to communicate effectively with your XW which leads me to the last one of do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? At the end of the day, you have to do what is right for yourself and your family, but you can't do that at the expense of always proving a point that your XW is bad and you aren't. You may occasionally have to compromise or let something go in an effort to win the larger battle. Case in point, you said you understand what everyone is saying about commenting to your son, but you have let a lot go and you HAD to say something. No, you didn't HAVE to say something, you WANTED to say something because you wanted to be right. Were you right? Maybe, but you don't know for sure why your XW said no, so maybe not. But, did you get the result you wanted in saying something negative to your son? Nope, didn't change a thing, did it? Sometimes you have to pick your battles and you have to prepare to lose a battle or two in your overall effort to win the war. This also ties to the 3rd one about not involving kids in adult things. Look, I get that your wife is talking 10 kinds of smack over there, or at least that is your perception, based on texts you have seen, but again, as I have said many times, YOU CAN'T CONTROL HER. You can only control how you behave and respond. Don't you want to do anything and everything you can to make sure your side of the street is totally clean and you are above reproach in all this so that when things do come to court, you have done everything by the book and she is the one looking like a loon because she is flaking out and doing her own thing and changing plans and going against court orders? I know you think she has got the law on her side and she's gotten some judgments that you don't agree with but the best way you can respond to that is to continue to be the one who is above reproach and following ALL orders to the letter so that no one can come back and say well Wolf didn't hold up his end of the deal. Does that make sense? I'm not suggesting that you have to tell your kids you love their mother and she is wonderful, but what I am suggesting is just leave her name out of your mouth in discussions with your kids. If THEY bring her up, listen, validate, but do NOT add your own commentary. Is she a horrible, evil person? Quite possibly, but you don't want to plant that in the kids' heads so they are parroting it later as "Dad told me....."