When in doubt, err on the side of being less available and responsive. If he's texting you something flirty, he's trying to confirm you're still there and interested. I'd hold off on responding. If you have to respond, give it a few hours (because you're so busy and important ) and then answer. You can be kind and interested like you would be to a neighbor but not like his wife, especially if this is how you guys have interacted in the past. Always end the conversation first if you do get dragged in.
Also... I just took a look at the infidelity section in DR and am a bit confused about what you're talking about. The section in infidelity when your S won't stop seeing his AP or other people more generally and is still saying he wants a D... I don't see anything in there about giving your H when he's getting from the OW. That comes later when you're healing. The closest I see is when she says drop all pursuit and all talking about the A and act as perky and upbeat as possible when he is around.
I think as Steve says, the key is that some of the advice is hierarchical. Stopping all pursuit behaviors is a primary one. If flirting or connecting with him has any flavor at all of pursuit, don't do it. You'll be working against yourself. Yes, act breezy and confident and totally fine when you do see him. If he initiates a conversation, validate and listen and end the convo first and go on your merry way. You'll start to see the effects of backing off and when you do... DO NOT STOP.
keep up the good work!
May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thank you guys for the advice. I needed to hear it. My H sat down on the couch with me while I was watching tv and it hit me. I ended up walking upstairs and he followed me after a minute and asked me if I was coming back down. I told him that he cant keep having it both ways, he says he wants a divorce then gets ahold of me and talking to me like I'm his wife, and that he sits near me and kisses me sometimes like I'm his wife. I told him that I'm here and if he wants to work on our marriage then I am more then happy to do that but if hes going to keep saying he wants a divorce and telling others that and looking for OW then he just cant have it both ways. All he said was that he understands and he will leave me to it. I'm honestly in tears right now, its been a month since this all started and ive backed off but its the first time I really said anything like that to him. And I went into it knowing he wasnt going to say anything like "lets work on our marraige" or anything like that but it still hurt like hell when he just said he understood and walked away. It was so hard and I know that now it just gets harder as I have to stop being near him. But I want to save my marriage so I'm going to do my best to focus on GAL and not on my marriage
Lol sounds about as confusing as it has seemed to be so far. Ive definitely noticed when I dont contact him he contacts me more often. Other times me listening to him makes him be more open towards me and more loving... So it's a bit of both as I am seeing for sure.
Typical distance-pursuit dynamic!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you guys for the advice. I needed to hear it. My H sat down on the couch with me while I was watching tv and it hit me. I ended up walking upstairs and he followed me after a minute and asked me if I was coming back down. I told him that he cant keep having it both ways, he says he wants a divorce then gets ahold of me and talking to me like I'm his wife, and that he sits near me and kisses me sometimes like I'm his wife. I told him that I'm here and if he wants to work on our marriage then I am more then happy to do that but if hes going to keep saying he wants a divorce and telling others that and looking for OW then he just cant have it both ways. All he said was that he understands and he will leave me to it. I'm honestly in tears right now, its been a month since this all started and ive backed off but its the first time I really said anything like that to him. And I went into it knowing he wasnt going to say anything like "lets work on our marraige" or anything like that but it still hurt like hell when he just said he understood and walked away. It was so hard and I know that now it just gets harder as I have to stop being near him. But I want to save my marriage so I'm going to do my best to focus on GAL and not on my marriage
Artemis, sorry you are struggling. DBing is very counter-intuitive, but I truly believe it gives you the best chance at saving your marriage. The problem is that it feels like you are doing the opposite of what you should be doing.
I've been through two situations in my own MR. In the first one I spent the first 2 months doing things the old way. I wrote her long messages. I sent her songs that were special to us both. I went overboard on showing affection. I focused all of my energy on her. I became Super Mr. Mom and did all of the housework. I said "I love you" to her about 120 times a day.
And after 2 months, she was further away from working on the MR than she was on the day I discovered her EA, and confronted her.
Then I found DB by MWD. And I backed off. I let her go. I started moving forward. I reversed all of the behaviors above. I started GAL. I started working on becoming the best version of me....FOR ME!! And I detached my emotions and reactions from her words and actions. And within days she was pursuing me!
12 years later, sitch #2 reared its ugly head, and almost immediately I started DBing. This time she was sure she wanted a D. It took weeks but eventually my backing off, giving her space, etc, caused her to question her decision to D, and she started coming around, slowly at first, to the idea of reconciling.
DB isn't a quick fix. It won't prevent your D overnight. It may not prevent the D at all. IN fact, DBing sometimes requires the WAS to go through with the D and then later realize they made a mistake. But the point is that DBing is going to let you move forward healthy and happy.....and it may eventually cause him to start questioning if D is what he really wanted or not.
Hang in there, it does get easier!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for that, I really needed to hear and have that support today. It definitely feels wrong, as if me not being there for him to confide in is going to make him look for someone else to confide in more. But I am trusting the process and all of the people who have been through it on here. This site has been my guide and strength in this whole thing. My best friend doesn't understand why I dont hate his guts and thinks I should remember the bad hes done and focus on that. I tried explaining how doing that would only hurt me but she doesnt get it. So that was really hard to deal with for me.
Thank you for telling me your story, it truly helps to hear stories if real people who have been through this and have saved their marriages. I know its possible I might not save mine. I know that my H will regret it, I truly do, I'm just afraid it'll be after the D. I'm going to do my best to only contact him when I have to, and keep reading through all the forums on here for advice.
LH often says something that I completely agree with with.
The fastest way to get your WAS back is a straight line in the opposite direction. (LH - correct me if I said it wrong).
Your H needs to feel like he is going to lose you. Did you notice how when you walked upstairs he came after you? This is what you want, but on a much larger scale.
If you really want the best chance to knock some sense into him, the next time he mentions divorce respond with this (But only if you can actually follow through with it).
Husband: I think we need to move forward with a divorce.
Artemis: You know, I've been thinking about that and I agree. I'll make an appointment to meet with an attorney to figure out how the process works.
Then you actually go meet with an attorney and get your ducks in a row.
Meanwhile, you start acting like you have had an epiphany that your life is going to be awesome now that you don't have to deal with a lying, selfish, cheating spouse anymore. Don't overcompensate and act over the top, you want to appear content and at peace. Almost like you have a glow about you. You respond in a friendly way when he talks to you but you don't initiate convos with him or do things with him anymore. You start going out with friends, working out, taking your son to cool places etc.
All of that ^^^^ is very attractive to a WAS.
Here's the kicker... at first, he's not going to believe any of this. He will try to call your bluff, maybe even try to make you jealous by rubbing another affair in your face. But you continue to act contect and relaxed, he's no longer your concern. It's critical you carry on like this for months until you actually do become this way.
It's a win/win because it will either get your WAS back, or you will be well on your way to healing and detachment and truly prepared to move on with your life.
It's not easy. But neither is this push/pull, sit back and watch him cheat on you approach.
Also acts of service are my Hs love language and with our careers ive akways dome mist if the housework so how should I handle that. Do I still do it mostly or do I start only doing me and my sons laundry and divide up our dishes. Etc. I'm sure this is one of those counter intuitve things. This is something that makes my H feel loved so I want to do these things for him. But I'm guessing its probably something where I need to stop doing any kind of specific housework for him. I'm just worried it'll make him feel I'm being lazy and have him think divorcing me is the right thing.
LH often says something that I completely agree with with.
The fastest way to get your WAS back is a straight line in the opposite direction. (LH - correct me if I said it wrong).
Your H needs to feel like he is going to lose you. Did you notice how when you walked upstairs he came after you? This is what you want, but on a much larger scale.
If you really want the best chance to knock some sense into him, the next time he mentions divorce respond with this (But only if you can actually follow through with it).
Husband: I think we need to move forward with a divorce.
Artemis: You know, I've been thinking about that and I agree. I'll make an appointment to meet with an attorney to figure out how the process works.
Then you actually go meet with an attorney and get your ducks in a row.
Meanwhile, you start acting like you have had an epiphany that your life is going to be awesome now that you don't have to deal with a lying, selfish, cheating spouse anymore. Don't overcompensate and act over the top, you want to appear content and at peace. Almost like you have a glow about you. You respond in a friendly way when he talks to you but you don't initiate convos with him or do things with him anymore. You start going out with friends, working out, taking your son to cool places etc.
All of that ^^^^ is very attractive to a WAS.
Here's the kicker... at first, he's not going to believe any of this. He will try to call your bluff, maybe even try to make you jealous by rubbing another affair in your face. But you continue to act contect and relaxed, he's no longer your concern. It's critical you carry on like this for months until you actually do become this way.
It's a win/win because it will either get your WAS back, or you will be well on your way to healing and detachment and truly prepared to move on with your life.
It's not easy. But neither is this push/pull, sit back and watch him cheat on you approach.
THIS. IS. AWESOME.
I remember having a discussion with my W later on in our sitch. She was talking about her plans to get a job, get an apartment, get a D, but that I would stay in the house, my D would live there. We could come over and have dinner. My D could come stay at her apartment for overnight stays, etc. She was talking as if she was moving on with this new life and I would be stuck sitting waiting to see if she ever changed her mind and wanted to come back.
During that discussion I said, "No, I will be selling the house. We will be doing 50/50 custody. We would take all joint holdings and split them 50/50." She was stunned. She said that wasn't what she wanted. I looked her square in the eyes and said: "Sorry, but it isn't fair for you to go out and start a new life and expect that I am not going to do the same."
I really believe that, and her finding out I had spoken to a D lawyer were the start of the turning point in our sitch. Admittedly I didn't DB 100% perfectly, but I do feel I DB'd well enough to effect one of the faster turnarounds than what is normally seen.
Artemis, fear is the #1 enemy of DBing. Thornton nailed the approach you should be taking. It may not save your marriage, there are no guarantees, but it has a much higher chance of doing so that doing what feels natural.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also acts of service are my Hs love language and with our careers ive akways dome mist if the housework so how should I handle that. Do I still do it mostly or do I start only doing me and my sons laundry and divide up our dishes. Etc. I'm sure this is one of those counter intuitve things. This is something that makes my H feel loved so I want to do these things for him. But I'm guessing its probably something where I need to stop doing any kind of specific housework for him. I'm just worried it'll make him feel I'm being lazy and have him think divorcing me is the right thing.
I am not a huge advocate of changing these kinds of things overnight. I do think at some point you have to stop being his W. But you are only a month in so it might be a little fast. What I would do is just slowly, over time make changes. Maybe start by separating his clothes from the rest of yours and washing them separately. Then in another few weeks, instead of folding and putting them away, just fold them. Then in another few weeks, wash and dry them only and leave them in the basket. Then finally stop washing them all together. Eventually during that weeks/months long process he will ask "why did you stop putting them away?" "Why did you stop folding them?" "Why did you stop washing them?"
The answer: "You fired me as your wife."
Do not make a big issue or scene of it. When he starts protesting, yelling, threatening, etc, listen and validate. If you haven't read the validation thread, do it. Listening and validating is your new best friend!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I aporeciate how well Thorton laid out what I need to be doing. Saying detaching and whatnot is one thing. Hearing real examples of ways to do it help me alot more. I am going to take the advice and try my best not to backside. This seems easier if we didn't work the same hours and live in the same house but I'm going to find ways to make even being at home at the same time more separate. Thank you all for the great advice. I'm in the beginning stages of this so I know I ask alot of questions and I appreciate how kind and helpful everyone has been towards me during this.
) and then answer. You can be kind and interested like you would be to a neighbor but not like his wife, especially if this is how you guys have interacted in the past. Always end the conversation first if you do get dragged in.